The Adventures of Hypothetical Bob

Hypothetical Bob's typical, hypothetical life.



I suppose that we'll embark on an adventure into the "average" Western mind. An average Western mind, rather, of our new imaginary friend, "Hypothetical Bob".

What makes Hypothetical Bob tick? What possesses him to lead his pointless little life, going through pointless little motions every pointless little day? Well, the briefest summary would be "survival". This would also be wrong, or at least incomplete. Our friend Bob is actually a middle-class American, and surviving isn't all too difficult. What motivates all of those average thoughts floating around in his head, then?

The first factor we're visiting is a product of the will to survive: Scarcity = Quality. Bob wants stuff that other people don't have. Why did he buy that random whatever-it-was? He couldn't resist, it was for a "Limited Time Only!!!". Hypothetical Timmy could really use some school supplies, but Hypothetical Neglectful Mother did mention that new car that does that exact same thing as the old one. After all, none of their friends had one yet, so it would be really, really cool.

We would continue with an extensive analysis of Bob's sexuality, but that would be weird and uncomfortable. I mean, it's not like it's blatantly manipulated by advertising to get Bob to buy more stuff. Television doesn't bombard his mind with a constant stream of meaningless promiscuity, after all. There aren't any shows about a bunch of whores in one house, or toothpaste commercials with women thrusting phallic objects down their throats, or cleaning products implying that they'll get you laid. Nothing of the sort whatsoever.

(By the way, guys: When you say that you're a "playa", what you really mean is that you're a slut with a pretentious attitude.)

Let's move on to another important factor of Hypothetical Bob's mindset: fear. Why doesn't Bob have any original thoughts? Thinking is scary. If he actually decided to ponder thoughts of his own, he might even voice them. That can't even be considered, seeing that the cool kids won't like him anymore, and they'll tell everyone that he's one of those gay terrorists trying to destroy our freedoms and steal Jesus out of our hearts. That's why being afraid is a very good thing. You wouldn't want anything to become different, would you?

Closely linked with fear is Bob's vital hatred. There must always be an enemy. Without the "bad guys", Bob couldn't consider himself one of the "good guys". What's the point of being right if everyone else who is not exactly like you isn't wrong?

What's the moral of the story? Don't be like Hypothetical Bob, kids. He sucks.

The End

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