I am a despicable human being. Read on to find out why.
I am a despicable human being.
Today is probably one of the worst day's in my entire measly existence.
Ranking up there with my dad leaving us, and several other horrible days.
Today started out like any other abnormal day.
I got up and I hadn't slept well, and I was sick. I threw up nothing, and didn't want to go go my homeschool class. I didn't have the flu, I was just upset about some trials going on around me.
I texted my friend to tell her that I didn't think I was going, but she asked me too because she also wasn't feeling well. Our ride got there and I had to make my decision.
I went. I wished I had stayed home.
Anyway, I got to class, I was feeling horribly sick. I took the seat nearest to the door in case I had to run out. But thankfully I didn't. Our next class was speech, when my dear friend came in. She gave a little pinch on my neck as I laid on my notebook. The class went fine, then lunch came. She said she was going to leave early (she can drive herself now) because she didn't feel well. We said good-bye and I was upset she had left me. So I went outside and hung out with the other girls.
We went to the playground where I sat in a baby swing. "Wouldn't it be horrible if you broke the swing, and broke your back?" Why, yes it would be. Then I believe another one of the girls said, "It would be hilarious to text this dear friend and prank her into thinking you were hurt."
Oh no I didn't. Oh yes I did.
This other friend texted her and told her I had fallen and broken my back. She immediately texted me and asked what happened. I should have broken it off right there but I didn't. I told her they had called the ambulances and they said I had broken my back and my mom was flipping out. She said she would pray for me, should she go to the hospital, was I alright. Then to top it off, I pretended I was my mom and told her I had passed out and they were bringing me to the hospital.
I was in art at this time, when one of the friends mom's stormed in and asked if we had texted our dear friend. I said it was me and my fault and she said our dear friend was in hysterics and she said to tell her immediately I was fine. She was mean, but I deserved it. I told our dear friend it was just a prank, not to blame anyone else, it was my fault.
She didn't respond.
I kept sending her messages, in a joking manner (am I not the biggest jerk in the world?) then told her how sincerely sorry I was. She finally responded back saying she trusted me, that she was bawling, and that she felt really bad. I told her how sorry I was, over and over again. I felt terrible by this point. I started crying in the bathroom. I was such an ignorant fool. She forgave me but I still felt horrible. Then her mom came to pick up her other kid. I hid in the upstairs, hoping she wouldn't see me.
One of the teachers who was nice to me during this whole ordeal, saw me hiding and encouraged me to go say sorry. She left it at that and I headed downstairs. I tried to hide in the shadows, but of course my brother said "Hey there!" She saw me. Oh crap. I was going to get killed. After all, that's what I would do to anybody who did that to my daughter. This mom is very fiesty and I was terrified. I went over to her and apologized over and over again saying I just wanted to crawl up in a hole and die.
She was so sweet to me, she gave me a little hug and said this would be a lesson for both of us, the dear friend, and me. This made me feel a little bit better, until another student came in and gave me a hug. She said she had heard. ALL THE TEACHERS WERE TALKING ABOUT IT. ALL THE STUDENTS. I walked out of the building, fighting back tears. After all, I had brought in upon myself.
I wanted to crawl up in a whole and die.
I went home and took a shower, crying and singing happy songs. My dear friend kept saying it was alright, she forgave me. But nobody had ever really forgiven me except God without some change in behavior. I am scared we will lose what we had as best friends.
I am a horrible human being.
But then I remembered the scripture, "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God." Romans 3:23 Yep. I have sinned. And I had fallen. I curled up in my bed and tried to make myself better by putting on my favorite movie, Lord of the Rings. I felt like Gollum, who betrayed those who had trusted him. I wanted to feel like Sam, but I felt like Gollum. Don't laugh, its not funny.
Nobody needs to feel like Gollum, because he dies in the end.
So I sit here, hoping for some relief from my guilt by typing it out. I don't feel any better. I don't feel any better, even though she has forgiven me.
I've decided its harder to forgive yourself than begging for forgiveness from others.