Getting back to Diss

I walked quickly through the streets; so quickly that I must have appeared as a breathtakingly beautiful white blur to passersby. Certainly I was more attractive to gaze upon than the slow and disgusting human that strode past me. The details of the homeless vagrant’s clothes, and sallow skin – not to mention his uneven shave – were all too clear in my perfect coal black eyes. I paid less than half a mind to this human, as I was still wrapped up in my troubles with Diss, but I couldn’t help myself when he stumbled and marred my coat sleeve with a touch of his finger.

“Hey, beggar! Be more careful in the presence of those you’re not worthy to touch!” I barked. (I don’t mean that literally. Properly raised vampires don’t bark, and we disdain the werewolves who do.)

“Sorry, man, but I barely brushed against you at all. Actually, I mostly missed you!” The street bum smiled at me with a toothy grin.

Instantly, I responded with a gleaming mouthful of teeth that were much whiter and brighter than his own. I am handy at rising to meet others’ challenges.

“Yeah, you’re still able to smirk, and you have something to smirk about, although it’s most likely me. I didn’t do you any harm, see?”

“Is that sarcasm?” I shot back acidly. “There are a hundred ways a mortal like you offend me. Assaulting my senses may leave no traces of blood, but you’ve hurt me all the same.”

The hobo looked amused. “Me, a mortal? You called me a mortal. I suppose you must be one of those vampires or something.”

I caught at his choice of wording. “Are you saying you’re not human? You’re a werewolf, aren’t you? Dissonance sent a messenger to personally escort me back into her arms. Oh, my girl’s such a romanticist.” I clutched my chest in approximation of where I thought my heart was, and paid credit to a year of acting classes with a picture perfect swoon.

“Who’s Dissonance?”

“Is that supposed to be my skill-testing question? You could have tried one harder than that. You’re an insult to my intelligence.” I brought myself up from my dramatic pose with an audible snap, but pain must be endured to maintain my ram-rod straight posture; I reminded myself of that. “Dissonance is the love of my life.”

“Congratulations, I guess. Pity about her name.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my future wife’s name! Once we tie the knot she can apply to be legally called ‘Mrs. The Combination Of All Of My Ancestors' Names Because The Author Is Too Lazy To Come Up With Original Names’ all the time, if she wants to, but I’ll still call her Diss.”

In response to a sudden snort from his direction, I asked – no, ordered – the pauper, “Take me to Diss now. I passed your test. I gave you the password you wanted. Your conversation is starting to bore me, so it’s better if you just fulfill your intended purpose and then I’ll let you go alive.”

“ Wait! Is that a threat against me?” The man finally showed some inklings of alarm, which was only right, because lesser beings should cower in fear of the awe-inspiring figures of their superiors – namely, non-people like me. Vampires.

“You’ve got the idea!” I confirmed, happily. “Take me to Diss, and I’ll give you back your life. Not that I asked for it in the first place. Ew. Er, lead the way, why don’t you?"

The End

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