Retracing The's Footsteps

I wonder what I want to eat? Do I want a full meal like blood from a fat politician, or just a light snack from a teenager?  Decisions, decisions, decisions, so much work on my poor over taxed brain.

I'm still dizzy from my unwanted and unwarranted quick trip back to my coffin. Or maybe I'm faint from hunger. I need to eat. Oh yeah, I already said that. But still, I need to eat. One of my very very few infinitesimal flaws is my need to be redundant.

I need to get back to Diss. That's going to be tricky, since I have no idea where she lives. I was taken to her Anti- Smex headquarters when I was unconscious, so I have no way of knowing what part of the world I woke up in.

I have a fondness for feasting on drunks and pot heads, so that happens to me a lot. It's the only way I can get high. A cheap trick I know, but what can I do when substance abuse is impossible due to the fact that substances go right through me?

Anyway, back to the subject of Diss. I've got to get back to Diss. I told you that I'm redundant. Well, not me, I'm not redundant, I mean.., never mind. All this thinking is making me dizzy. I think my beautiful face might be getting frown lines.

I've got to figure out a way to get back to Diss. I could hijack a plane, but the pilot would be so terrified of my gleaming sharp teeth, that he couldn't fly the plane.

I couldn't fly the plane, because I was born before there were planes. I was born almost before there was air. I am older than dirt, after all. Besides, where would I fly to? I don't even know if I was still in Europe when I was vamp-napped.

I suppose I could turn into a bat and fly around looking for her, but bats are ugly. I don't want to even pretend to be something ugly. I turned into a bat in front of my gorgeous ornate mirror once, just to see what I looked like. I looked like a fat black carrier pigeon.

I know that bats aren't supposed to look like pigeons, but I'm out of practice, so whenever I try to turn into a bat, something always gets lost in the translation. Once I turned myself into a politician. I still gag at the memory.

Diss, Diss, Diss, how do I get back to you?

The End

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