The Anti-Smex

"Whoa, there! That's no way to greet the sexiest vampire alive!" I promptly smacked him up the side of his ugly head. And then I wiped my perfectly sculpted hands on my pants. Ugliness was contagious, so I'd heard.

"How dare you smack me up side the head like that!" the ugly man roared with fury.

"Oh snap, but I just did." I flashed my ultra-shiny pearly whites at him. I dazzled him.

He stared blankly at me for about a minute as I smoothed out the wrinkles in my clothing and promptly stalked out of the hideously drab room.

I was in a hallway now. It was also drab and I found myself sighing with velvety exaggeration.

"Hey, come back here! I'm not through with you!" the ugly man screamed, running towards me. But I had my back to him. And really, he wasn't worth setting my eyes upon.

I stood still, waiting for the hallway to expand into a grand hall actually worth housing my very being and physical form. And then something hit me. Wham!

I wheeled around to glare at the un-sexy thing that had hit me. It was the ugly werewolf man. He was standing uncomfortably close now and I feared that the atoms that made up our bodies would start sharing electrons or something. But I didn't want any ugly electrons being shared with my sexy atoms.

"DID. YOU. JUST. TOUCH. ME?" I turned on the full power of my smouldering sexy eyes. Take that, ugly man! Fear the sexiness!

"Oh, please, no! Not the sexiness! Anything but that!" He was on his ugly knees now, sobbing away like an especially ugly child.

"Then take your un-sexiness away from me. Now."

"B-b-b-but it's just that my g-g-g-girlfriend is part of the A-a-a-anti-Smex." He reached out a hand to grab my clothes.

"The A-a-a-anti-Smex?" I asked with every ounce of velvety sexiness I could muster (I mean, come on, I was in a totally distressed state here).

"Y-y-y-yes," he sobbed. "This is our h-h-h-headquarters."

"Then take me to your leader, ugly man!"

"Y-y-y-yes, sir," he stammered and rose to his feet. "F-f-f-follow me."

"Sure, sure," I muttered, baring my teeth. But I danced after him anyway. "By the way, are you a fan yet?"

"A-a-a what?"

"A fan. Are you. A fan. Of me. And my sexiness?"

"Oh," he paused, stopping to think for a minute. I recoiled from the absolutely hideous expression on his face. "No, actually, I'm not."

"Well, then your leader had better be pretty sexy. Or else he's toast. French toast." And then I laughed a strangely mysterious chortle.

Damn, that was pretty clever of me.

The End

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