That Vampire Story

I am a hot, sexy, mysterious vampire. People call me "The Silent One" because I excel in the art of Calm and Cool. My real name is actually The Combination Of All Of My Ancestors' Names Because The Author Is Too Lazy To Come Up With Original Names, but people call me The for short. As well as "The Silent One". Don't you forget that.

Nobody knows about my vampirism, which is excellent, because of reasons that are beyond me because they are too complicated. I should be a genius, because I've lived so long, but my brain stopped functioning the day my heart did, and I don't think I'll ever fall in love again. Boo hoo.

Everything they told you about vampires was true. We are afraid of garlic, because we have special enzymes in our bodies that amplifies the smell of garlic on our breath, even if we don't eat them, and because we are Teh Smex (a guild of beautiful mythical beings including Mermaids Like Michaelps and Pokemons) we cannot go around killing girls while we try to hit on them. It completely defeats the purpose.

We are afraid of sunlight, because we want our skin to be perfect and unaffected by cancerous rays.

You can absolutely kill us by driving a steak into our hearts. I mean, stake. Of course. I'm not an idiot. We are killable by stakecraft. I don't think you could just get up and walk away after someone hacked at your heart with a blunt wooden object.

We do drink blood. It amplifies our sexiness. End of story.

We are immortal. Death cannot face those as beautiful as us, and every time he tries to stalk our way, we send him away with his great hairy tail between his ass screaming for his momma. Take that, Mother Nature.

But we can be killed by the Stake. The Stake makes Death jealous.

You cannot see us in the mirrors. Mirrors were never designed to behold ones as awesome as we. We also don't need mirrors, because we know how gorgeous we are.

My adventure begins today, because I chose to write about it today. I will not start yesterday, because I can't recall what I did yesterday, and I will not start tomorrow, because I've already started recording it today, therefore my adventure will begin today.

Now I must go out and find myself something interesting to do, so I can write it down and publish it, and gain fame for being So Damn Hot, which will be my pen name.

 

The End

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