That I'm not.

I hate him.
I made an effort, best clothes, fake tan, nice hair and ages on make up. I was as confident as I was ever going to be, not a young girl, a mature women. I wish. If I knew it was going to end up like this, I wouldn't have bothered, I would have stayed in bed and rolled over when I saw 9:30am on the clock, rolled over and fell back to a well needed, ever peaceful sleep.

No text back. Surprise.
I knew this, deep inside, I knew what a waste of time it would end up to be, however being me I made the effort and thought postitive, deep inside knowing how foolish I was. If I was at home, I would be out with friends knowing they wouldn't judge me, no deep intense butterflies, no thinking they would hate me for the way I look, but most of all no doubt that they wouldn't show up. 

Whats the point?
Days of building up confidence thinking maybe this is a new beginning, a clean sheet for me and my continous heartbreak I seem to feel. I was wrong, cold feet maybe, maybe just a joke or maybe he had seen me. I'm not amazingly stunning or wonderfully nice, I don't beleive in skinny - maybe I should. I don't beleive in ages getting ready for perfect hair and make up - maybe I should. I don't beleive in fake tan and 'the orange look' - maybe I should. I was that girl that beleived all that, but for him I didnt eat, I spent ages getting ready and trying to get close to perfect hair and make up as possible, I even used fake tan and beleived it still wasn't good enough - not even close.

Maybe it's me?
I thought and wondered, maybe its fate? but before it felt so right, so exciting, a whole new exeperience and maybe a new start. I could be a whole new person. I was scared, scared of being me, because in the depths of the excitement and experience the doubt layed dormant. The doubt that I would be immature, not pretty enough or just not what he expected. The real me, the true me,  wouldn't care but there was something about him that made him different, something about him that I actually cared what he thought. The strange think was I didn't know why.

He's the Same.
He's another arrogant arse to add to the list.  The list of guys who have betrayed me, cheated and ever hurt me. Gradually, that list is growing wth every other boyfriend and guy I meet, however amazing they are, I've always known there was a catch. He is perfect, was perfect. Apprantly amazed by me, the way I looked, spoke and acted but they were just meanless words, which to him ment nothing, but to me - the world. I don't really know how I fell so easily, I believed - honestly I never would again. So much had happened and he played with my insecurties for helpless fun and never knew the great extent he was actually doing. But then again neither did I, for the early days, but leading closer and closer to the meetings things began to break and texts became wordless and vague, msn convrstaions short and boring - things just started to change and fade.

I was blind.
People say when you fall, your blind, but if you don't know you've fallen how can you know you've become blind? Well, maybe, just maybe I fell then I climbed out,  because smallest clues became clearer and more obvious. Then again maybe the small things I noticed were just my paranoia and I was still blind.

That's it.
That was his chance, that once, to see if he'd make the effort and lived up to what he beleived he was. He said to me " I'll make it perfect" and stuff a long those lines. However, doesn't matter what way you look at it he stood me up and let me down. He raised my hopes and then just let go, but all I want is him to regret it, to take it back, to rewind time, to suprisingly turn up at the door with flowers. It won't happen, even if you try and stay positive and anyway the blames on me - he says.

I knew it.
In the end I knew it,the deep feelings of doubt and the continous lack of hope finally was the reality. I sit here at 16:07 and it comes up with his name. 1 new message, I'm anxious to read it but I know the hurt and regret of the effort I put in would grow to amount where tears aren't going to stay and my feelings can't be controlled. All I want is him to regret it, but honestly I know he won't, cause in the end perfection is the key - and I can't do that.

The End

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