I am hurting us with my expectations. I set unseen goals you don't know exist so you flunk them. I ask so much and expect only the best; I accept no less. You run to me with a young energy, a child offering its prize, and I urge you to do better. I haven't accepted that this is you. I am still pushing and prying to make the you in my head match the you in front of me.
But I see that I do this now. I see where it comes from. It comes from me. I push myself so hard because success is the only way to love one's self these days. I push myself so there is accomplishment, if I have worked hard enough. I have deserved it. But I never deserve it. I can always do better. Any happiness is taking away from working hard, it means I'm not struggling hard enough. So I never win. I expect so much of me I hate the present and the future and the past.
I don't love myself, but you can. I think if I push you hard enough you can have the success I was never good enough for. I can urge you to become the me that never was. But what I am missing is your contented happiness. There is no such thing as time in a child's world. You pull yourself into the conscious present to thank what is accuring around you in that moment. You allow yourself to enjoy life as it is. There is no rushing to get anywhere when it will happen regardless, unimpacted by panicked ushering. You let things happen as they do, and you enjoy the process not the destination.
I am learning how to thank you. I am learning how to come to terms with the fact I have been too hard on you, and you have treated me with nothing but acceptance. I am learning to let go of my expectations, and love myself the way you do, so I can give back all your patience.
Thank you for accepting me, stressed out and pushy as I am. Thank you for letting me come to seek reform on my own accord. Thank you for accepting me as I learn to accept you.
I know I am grateful for you for pulling me from my hurricane. And I am grateful to you for showing me how to be thankful for myself. Thanks self for learning how to love again.