A little bit of ranting about the Ten Commandments.
Okay, so I was, like, going to school one day, and thought to myself, "Man, these people really need some guidelines and stuff." So, I went on a quest for them! And what better place to search for them than.. you guessed right.. a mountain.
I climbed this super-special mountain and stayed there for days and days and days. There wasn't much to eat besides berries and these really interesting mushrooms. Afterward, I found a magical stream that glowed like a beautiful fluorescent rainbow! I drank from it, then decided to stay up for a couple of days.
After a while, A blinding light burned down upon me. And the light spoke onto me, "Mose.. I mean, Logrimm, look down upon the forest floor." Looking down, I saw a large chunk of rock and the chisel which I had brought to the mountain with me, just in case I would need it.
Guess what I found there? The rock was titled, "10 Special Rules that Everyone Must Follow!".
"Who wrote this?" I asked.
"Uhh... I did." the light replied. This seemed a little bit suspicious.
"You don't have hands, Blinding Light. How did you manage this?" I questioned, certain that I had the light cornered now.
"I used your hands, of course! I kinda borrowed them while you were passed out. By passed out, I mean under my divine influence."
You just can't wait to hear the ten special rules, can you? Well, I'm explaining my return to school first.
As I returned to school. I found everyone gathered in the auditorium. I wondered what could possibly be going on. "Are they.. bowing down to that hamburger on stage?" I ask myself, stunned. Yes, they were, in fact. They were worshiping a hamburger. Not just any hamburger, though: a golden one. They had melted down all of their jewelry and stuff to make it while I was away.
I climb upon the stage, enraged now. "How could you have betrayed me like this?" I yell out to the crowd. "You guys suck!" I throw the large chunk of rock (the one with the special rules on it, remember?) out into the crowd, where it shattered on some kid's head. Shortly after, I quickly made my exit.
Fast-forward, through my second trip with the shrooms and berries and rainbow streams. I got a brand-new piece of rock with special rules on it, and decided to give the school a second chance.
"Here are the 10 rules that everyone must follow, guys!" I yell out toward the auditorium crowd once more. "They're definitely better than your dead golden cow-meat." ..And here they are, written EXACTLY as they were upon the large chunk of rock:
1) You shall have no other Lights before me.
2)Don't worship other stuff, especially stupid fucking golden hamburgers.
3)Don't talk shit about me, or use my name unless you really, really mean it.
4)Don't do shit on Sunday.
5)Honor your father and your mother.
6)Don't murder people. It's not a nice thing to do.
7)Don't be a whore, guys!
8)Don't take stuff that isn't yours.
9)Don't go to court, and, like, lie and stuff, about your neighbors. If it's someone that you don't know, however, say whatever you want.
10)Don't covet your neighbor's house, or his wife, or his kids, or his slaves, or his ox, or his donkey, or his television, or his computer, or his car, or his watch, or his pen, or his pencil, or his male parent, or his female parent, or his job, or his flash drive, or his PS3, or his WoW account, or his plates, or his bowls, or his forks, or his spoons, nor any other of his utensils.
"All right." I say, after reading the '10 Special Rules that Everyone Must Follow!' . "Those of you who will follow these rules, get up on stage. Everyone else, stay seated." To my surprise, only about half of them listened. You would think that more of them would have the sense to join me in my dedication to the magical rock-rules..
"Those of you who joined me.." I tell the students grouped upon the stage, "You all get to live. Help me kill those guys." I point to the ones still seated. I had taken buckets and buckets of rocks from the mountain this time, and lined them up upon the stage. Everyone picked up a couple of them and started stoning the non-believers.
Within about five minutes the heathens were all dead! Well, at least they weren't moving around too much.. They all seemed dead to me, anyway.
And that's how the school became civilized and proper and holy!