The moment before death was the worst part of dying and the thoughts that tumbled in my head made it almost unbearable. Donny. What was going to happen to Donny? How could I leave him? I can’t leave him now. They said the cancer was gone. How could this be happening?
Those uncontrollable hysteric thoughts melted as I felt life’s hold loosen around me. I tried to move in protest, but could only weakly open my eyes enough to peer through my lashes.
I was in a hospital. Good, they’re going to save me and I’m going to be with Donny again I helplessly thought.
I couldn’t see very much, just the ceiling and doctors that occasionally bent over my still body, but somehow I knew that something suddenly went wrong. As soon as I thought any hopeful words, I knew the doctors who bustled around me, began to move more franticly, but ever steady.
I felt that I could see the expressions on their face change, matching the very feeling under my own. I was beyond help. I was going to die. No more hope. No one was going to save me now.
Had they given up? I wanted to yell at them, to tell them to help me, to not give up on me. But the words stayed in my mouth, and my lips refused to push them out.
As the doctors slowed and stopped, and as a hand grabbed and held mine, I heard a rush of water. I heard it spill over the bed and tables onto the floor, slowly filling the room.
I knew there wasn’t any water, but I could feel it. Feel it climb over the sheets, filling my ears; slowly rise over my legs, covering me up in its ringing white sound. I felt it press over my chest, and felt suffocation draw closer. I felt it fill my lungs. I felt it compress my heart. i felt it press my chest.
Before I knew it I was drowning in a room empty of water, with a nurse, oblivious to my fright, holding calmly to my hand. As soon as it started, the pain in my chest stopped and I slowly fell away from my body and into darkness. In the very end I want to say that death was peaceful. But I can’t say that because death gave me no memory of it.
Time distorted, and so did I. I found myself looking down at a limp body on a hospital bed, and I saw Donny sleeping in a chair with drying tear filled cheeks. Donny.
I didn’t know I was really dead until I rushed to Donny to hug him, in my overjoyed manner, and had my hands melt through him. Fear griped me.
I looked back at the person on the hospital bed. With my eyes I traced over her thin frame, pale face and dark rings under eyes. I saw short, fresh blond hair fall by her cooling cheeks. I saw her blood drain and death leave her hollow. I saw and knew what I wished wasn’t true. There on the bed was Eilidh. It was me.