I couldn't sleep with all that was on my mind, and I was not looking forward to the morning. I tossed and turned, but couldn't get comfortable. I never noticed how silent the night was when your sober, it was kind of relaxing. Ever bone in my body wanted to go down and smash open that liquor cabinet, but I promised Emily. Finally around 6:00 am I jumped up and got in the shower, though I was dreading my day ahead the hot water felt good on my tired body.
When I came into the kitchen Em was already there, she must have known I was awake from the sound of the shower. She just smiled, not knowing what type of mood I was in made her keep her distance with conversation.
We had a quick breakfast at another little diner near the house, and then she dropped me at the hospital.
"Good luck," Em called as I walked up the sidewalk to the entrance of the hospital. I just waived, and she drove off for school. I told her I would catch the bus to work, and then back home. My shift was over at 4:00 PM, so I probably would be home before her anyway. She had plans to study the case with David again, and I didn't want to interfere with her chance at romance.
I took a deep breath as the sliding doors opened up into the chaotic hospital world. I made my way to the front desk where a elder red-headed woman sat.
"Norma Jean Flowers," I said politely. She scanned the clipboard, then told me she was in room 404 on the fourth floor. The elevator ride seemed like an eternity. As I stepped off the elevator my heart began to beat rapidly and empty pain appeared in my stomach. I wasn't sure it was because I hated her, or because I might actually feel a little empathy for her.
I found myself standing outside her room staring at the plaque that read room 404. "Ma'am, can I help you?" a nurse passing by asked.
"No I'm fine thanks," I answered and then entered the room. This was it, now or never I thought pushing the door open.
"Hello sweetie," my mother's voice faintly whispered. She looked so fragile, and well for the first time in her life innocent. I made way to the chair next to her bedside. She took my hand, which at first I wanted to yank right back. There was a sadness in her eyes, one I had never seen before. It made me feel things I didn't want to feel. I assume this was the look people displayed in there last days of life.
"Hello Norma Jean," I replied. I hadn't called her mother in years, after all she hadn't been a good one. I know it sounds heartless, but she is lucky I even came.
"How have you been?" she asked. Her voice was so quiet I had to move in closer to hear her.
"I been really good, " I lied. I couldn't let her know what she had made me become, and besides I was on the right path for once. In a way I felt bad letting her die knowing she left me a mess.
"I have a job at the diner," I told her. We talked for a bit, and she told me she had a tumor in her brain. She was not a fan of the doctor, so they said its hard to tell how long it had been in there. A neighbor had found her passed out on the kitchen floor one morning. The only reason they called Jason was because they had found his number in her phone.
Then out of know where the unthinkable happened, I felt tears swelling in my eyes. I tired to hold them in, but the spilled like a waterfall. My mother looked at me and squeezed my hand tighter.
"It's OK honey, I have done my share of damage and it's time I be at peace now." she managed to get out over her own tears. I couldn't stop my tears, for the first time in years I felt sad for someone other then myself. And of all people, the one person who broke my heart to bits. I guess this was part of the forgiving process.
"I need you to do me a favor," my mother begged. I nodded my head. "I need you to forgive me, promise you will live life to the fullest, and never forget your worth," she pleaded. Wow this death thing really made people say some emotional things.
"Norm Jean, can I ask you something?" I whispered.
"Yes, anything baby," she smiled.
"What was daddy like?" I asked. She never talked about him growing up, and I didn't even know his name. She at least owed me that, though a picture would have been nice too. At this point I'll take what I can get.
"Oh god, your going to hate me," she said and looked away. Now she is worried about that, after all the years I already had.
"Please mom, " I asked gently. I was hoping calling me mom would butter her up a bit.
"Baby, you father didn't die, he left because of me, " she said ashamed. " As you know I was not the best person is this life, I made him leave when you were one years old," she continued."
"What?" I asked in an angry tone. I have had daddy issues most of my life, and now I find out my father might be alive. He might be someone I have passed on the street, a customer at the dinner, or worse someone living right next door to me.
She began to cry harder,"I'm so sorry honey I love you." All the machines started beeping and all the nurses ran in.
"What was his name, " I asked desperately as the room was now crowded with hospital staff. Before she could say another word she flat lined.
"Call it, " the doctor said over all the noise.
"Time of death 10:00 am on the fourth of April 2014," the nurse confirmed.
I Ran out of the room searching for the nearest restroom. I had to pull myself together before I caught the bus to work, couldn't let my emotions get in the way right now. I was touching up my make up when My phone buzzed.
Jim: Hey Jessica it's Jim, Emily gave me your number please don't be mad.
Jessica: Oh hey, yeah I'm on my way to work can I text you later.
Jim: sure have a nice day.
That little match maker, I'm going to get her back. I had some paper work to fill out before I left the hospital.
By the time I got to work I had managed to suppress everything that just happened this morning. At least until I had time alone to process it all. I was putting my things up to start my shift when my phone buzzed again, It was Em.
Em: sorry please don't be mad about Jim.
Jessica: I'm not, I could use a distraction after what happened at the hospital.
Em: that bad huh?
Jessica: We can talk about it tonight when we are both home OK?
Em: sure : )
I was suppose to shadow Penny today, to learn the duties of a waitress. I put on a fake smile and my apron, then headed into the kitchen.