Supernatural x reader (self harm). WARNING: triggers: self harm, suicidal thoughts/ attempts, cursing

(Note, these characters belong to Eric Kripke who created Supernatural and it is a wonderful show)

I was 15 when I made my first cuts. I did it on my thighs, because I was so afraid of cutting a vein and dying. Finally, I just couldn't handle the pain and guilt anymore. I come from a family of hunters, and hunting became my priority at the age of 13. When I was 14, my sister joined the hunting life. We were on a hunt with my dad. He went in the front of the vamps nest, and we were to go behind and fight when they were distracted, my sister was supposed to rescue the human girl they had kidnapped. We ran in as instructed, I began fighting the vamps. What I didn't know... Was that the girl was no longer human. She grabbed my sister and killed her. I should have noticed and stopped it but I was too busy saving my own skin...

Now, I'm 19 years old. I haven't been able to forgive myself since that day. It was my fault she died. My family blamed me, and I blamed myself. That was why I picked up the habit of cutting my thighs. My family kicked me out after 2 years. They couldn't handle seeing me, alive while my little sister was dead. After that I stayed alone for about a year, that is, until Bobby Singer saved my life. 

I had picked up solo hunting, and I was taking down a simple ghost. Or so I thought. As it turned out, it was 4 ghosts and I was getting mauled left and right by the spirits. If it hadn't been for Bobby being on the same case and being no more than 2 minutes behind me, I would be dead. After that hunt, he took me in, gave me a place to crash for a few nights. Well, those few nights turned into almost two years. Now, Bobby is gone and the Winchester brothers have taken me on as their burden. 

I have been with the Winchester brothers for almost 9 months now, and they still don't know my secret. I hope they never do. I intend to keep my cutting a secret until I die. Or until I move on to a new place. It always inevitably happens.. I'm bad luck. People die around me. 

It was a new day. We had just gotten back from a hunt, and the memory was still burned in my mind. 

"Y/N! Throw me the gun!" Dean yelled frantically.

I reached for it, it was so close... if I could only reach a few more inches.

"Ahh!" I heard Dean cry out. 

"Dean!" Sam yelled, "Y/N, throw the damn gun already!"

I finally grabbed it and threw it to Sam. He shot the werewolf three times in the chest, and ran over to Dean. 

"Y/N go to the car and get the first-aid kit" Sam said, placing his hands on Dean to stop the flow of blood. 

"Sam I'm sorry" I cried.

"Y/N go! You're not helping, now get the first-aid kit or Dean's blood is on your hands!"

I barely got the kit in time... Dean was okay, but completely knocked out the whole ride back to the motel. He lost a lot of blood.. But he was going to make it. 

He shouldn't have been injured... It's all my fault I thought. 

"Sam... I-"

"Go to bed Y/N. We have to get the other werewolf tomorrow by ourselves since Dean got hurt. Get some rest."

Sam helped Dean to their room, and they went inside, leaving me alone in the parking lot. I ran into my room, careful to lock and deadbolt the door behind me. That's when the tears and thoughts came. 

You're a screw up Y/N. You could have killed Dean. You aren't good enough. You're worthless. Trash. Disappointment. 

I yelled in frustration. Enough is enough! 

I went in the bathroom and ran the bath. As soon as it was full, I got in. I pulled my familiar blade from the box I kept under my sink. It was the knife my dad had gotten me for my birthday when I was to begin hunting with him. The one time he told me he was proud of me. 

I began dragging the blade across my thighs, but the familiar feeling of calmness I got after cutting was absent. I suddenly grew desperate, throwing the blade across my legs, covering them in blood. I decided enough was enough. I placed the cuts on my wrists and arms. Slashing them in jagged cuts. Then, I felt calm spread through me as I lost consciousness... Thank you, God was my last thought before darkness surrounded me. 

"Y/N? Y/N!? Can you hear me?" I heard Dean's voice pierce the darkness, as I began waking up. 

"Ughhh. Am I dead?" I said. Silence met my remark. 

"You were very close to death, yes, but I was able to heal you." I heard Cas say. 

I was now completely awake. They had found me... stopped me from what I had done. 

"How...?" I mumbled.

"We heard you yell, and tried to check on you..." Sam said quietly. 

"You locked us out and we couldn't get in so we got Cas to get you. We though a frickin demon or something got you but it was you! How could you be so stupid Y/N? Why did you do this?" Dean yelled. 

That's when the tears flowed again. They all knew my story, but none of them new about my scars. Sam quietly whispered to Dean.

"I'm sorry for yelling, Y/N... Just know... I'm here for you. You're family." Dean said, as he walked out of the room. 

"Listen, Y/N" Sam said quietly, "Everything is going to be okay. We're here to help you."

"But I'm such a screw up... I'm going to get one of you killed, everyone near me does eventually. I'm bad luck." I sobbed. 

"You aren't a screw up. People mess up on hunts all the time. You are an excellent hunter. You just had an off day. It's okay. Heh, I've probably nearly gotten you killed a couple times too." Sam said. "The point is, we're here to help you. Talk to us if you need anything, don't shut us out. You're family. Hell, even Cas is someone you can talk to."

Cas blankly looked. "Yes, Y/N. You may talk to me too and I will attempt to comfort you and heal you... emotionally. Although I may not be the best at comforting humans." 

I smiled a bit. "It's okay Cas."

"Get some sleep Y/N. I'll bring you some food in a bit. What do you want?" Sam asked. 

"Can I have some cherry pie?" I softly questioned. 

"That's my girl!" I heard Dean yell. 

I laughed. 

For the first time in a long time... I think I might be okay. 


The End

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