He called himself Spike.
He had a power too, maybe even more useless than mine.
He could grow his nails.
After a stunned moment when he showed me his power, I found words. "Like Meg in that Family Guy episode?" I had to ask.
He had sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. I could tell he got the question a lot. "Yes, like that."
It was too much. I hit the floor.
I didn't stop laughing for two minutes. Why two minutes? He got tired of it after a minute and fifty nine seconds and pinned me to the ground with his nails. That got my attention.
But let me rewind a little.
* * *
It wasn't too long after the 'president incident' when they found me. I don't know how they found me, but I have an idea. I think they saw the video of the newscaster getting slapped on the internet, and then came to my town and talked to people at the school. Then they probably talked to that idiot jock and he mentioned me.
However it happened, they ended up at my front door one night.
Who is 'they'? Well, I'm getting to that.
It just so happened that I answered the door myself that day. It opened to reveal a very intimidating man. He looked a heck of a lot like Morpheus, which is actually pretty fitting. You'll see why. Behind him was a kid who looked like he would kill me. He looked a heck of a lot like... well, like he would kill me. And there was a girl too. There's always a girl, isn't there? She looked pretty out of my league. And bored out of her mind.
So Morpheus-guy tells me he's looking for Jarret. I'm a little scared right now, so I tell him Jarret isn't home. The girl just says "He's lying." I'm pretty surprised by this. There's nothing suspicious about someone not being home, is there? How did she know?
I ask her if she can read minds, and she ignores me, but Morpheus says no. He also says he's with 'The Onion", which is a brotherhood of not-so-super heroes.
I don't know about you, but I totally missed the second part of what he said trying to figure out why he was with a group called "The Onion".
"Why is it called The Onion?" I asked.
"It was originally The Union but someone made a typo. The name kind of just stuck after that."
Guy who looked like he would kill me and I had the exact same look on our face. It was a look that said, "How incredibly stupid." The girl just looked bored. I found out later that's pretty much the only look she ever has on her face.
Anyway, I would have been really sceptical about all of this except for the fact that they had found me somehow. So I asked them what their superpowers were, and their names just for the hell of it.
"That's Pyro," he said, pointing to the guy who still looked like he would kill me.
"Let me guess, he can make fire?"
Pyro didn't look too happy about what I said. He looked even more like he wanted to kill me, but something also flashed in his eyes. Almost... sadness maybe?
"No. He's called Pyro because he likes fire, but he can only make smoke."
Pyro's lip twitched.
"So wait," I said with a grin, "he's the exact opposite of the saying, 'Where there's smoke, there's fire'?"
It probably wasn't the smartest thing to say. Pyro snapped and tried to punch me in the face. It wasn't very nice of me, sure, but I thought the guy was over-reacting.
So I knocked him over with a nice, hard slap to the face.
It probably would have turned to an all-out brawl if Morpheus didn't step between us. "Enough," he said, sounding like he meant business. I didn't know what his power was yet, and I didn't want to find out what it was like this, so I laid off.
Pyro stood up and grumbled, but apparently Morpheus had some power over him because he did nothing else, even though he looked like he wanted to feed me to sharks. I guess that was normal for him though.
"What about her?" I asked, pointing to the girl, who had just stood there looking bored for the whole exchange.
"She reads minds?" I guessed.
"No, I already told you she didn't."
"Then how did she know..."
"She can only tell when someone is lying or not."
I raised an eyebrow. "So a human smoke machine and a human lie detector?" I asked. "Who are you, The Incredible Toaster? You can brown bread and give people tans, right?"
"Very funny. My name is Spike."
And that's where we left off.
* * *
They said they wanted me to join the Onion. I said they could go to hell, but from my position on the floor it wasn't very intimidating. I could have slapped them, but when they had me pinned like to the ground like that I figured it wasn't the smartest idea.
So instead I listened while they told me more.
Apparently there was a group of not-so-super villain out there as well, and if they found out about me my family would be in danger.
"What are they, The Potato? Are they going to make my house smell nice and lose all my left shoes?" More grinning.
"No." And more nose-bridge-rubbing.
But in the end, I decided it really couldn't hurt to go with them and laugh at all the silly 'powers' the rest of the people in their group had, so I agreed to go with them to their headquarters. Apparently they had a private jet. How could I say no to that?
* * *
Spike (after the nails thing he no longer felt like a Morpheus) said my absence was all taken care of. The school was told I was on vacation and my parents were told I was on an overnighter for school.
And so there I was, slapping random people in the face out the window of a limousine, on my way to this 'private jet'.
If I knew what lay in the future, I probably wouldn't have gone.