just a story i wrote a while back
read it and see what it's all about.
btw don't be surprised if this character comes up in other stories, possibly completely differently, but i really love her.
"Tch," I thought to myself. This was going to be a hassle. "You've no idea how hard it is for me," I whined at my imaginary comforter. "This isn't what I want, I can't handle it, this is all so goddamn bloody UN. FAIR!" I wheeled around violently, flinging my arms out as if breaking the grip of a giant snake, freeing myself from the twisting coils of frustration which engulfed me. I sighed expansively and huffed the hair out of my eyes, and those same eyes fixed me with their hard, sulking, 'I'm in a tantrum and not gonna stop' glare from the mirror. Forest green eyes that I was told were quite beautiful sometimes, at the moment they were definitely not beautiful and definitely not good enough for the party. I looked myself up and down and sighed again. Why had I even agreed to this? I don't want to go. I wouldn't even have considered going in normal circumstances. If he hadn't asked me to come then... "SHUT UP!" my mind commanded me. I obeyed instantly.
I moaned in despair. " Get yourself together Suki, you can't go on like this. Just go and have fun, look at yourself, you need it." I emphatically agreed with myself and focussed again at the task in hand. What to wear. At the moment I looked distinctly normal to myself by any stretch of the imagination. My dark, oak brown hair, shot through with blonde streaks that ran like quicksilver, cascaded in gentle wavy curves past my shoulders, framing a pale, slightly flushed, and currently unhappy face. I wished my hair would make up its mind which colour it was. At least my eyebrows were uniform in their umber tones, though currently creased in an intense frown. My eyes softened as I stared into them. I did like my eyes, they were like emerald almonds, and could pull off the most scorching death glare should anyone have the misfortune to incur my wrath. I cast my eyes over my straight, slightly freckled nose, my small, unsmiling mouth, my slim figure, and skinny legs. Standing at 5'8" was tall enough for a girl, besides i liked the numbers 5 and 8 anyway. Okay, so I didn't look all as bad as I kept convincing myself I did. But I'd be damned if i was gonna go to the party in jeans and a tshirt let alone with no makeup and not even a pretence of an attempt at hairstyling. With a final groan of resignation, I prised open the doors to the hallowed halls of my wardrobe.
An hour later I emerged bleary-eyed from my room like an animal from a long hibernation. In the end I'd been driven to distraction by the sheer number of clothes I'd decided were useless, stupid, unmatching, and generally unfit for wearing tonight. I'd finally selected a skirt, tights and some top that I had no idea I'd even owned by method of eenie meanie miney mo. Yeah, now I have both awful intentional dress sense and awful accidental dress sense. The time was... SHIT I'M LATE O CLOCK. My stomach decided at that precise moment not to get mere butterflies, oh no, but fill with a nest of angry bees and dance a little jig. Cursed pre-party nerves. In a fluster I snatched my bag from the side, frantically decided a ponytail would have to do for my hair and scrambled from the house. Only then did I realise i'd locked house and car keys back in the kitchen. It was going to be a bloody long night at this rate...
Half an hour later, and half an hour late I staggered, thoroughly emotionally exhausted, into the dark room that was set to be the venue for my evening. Before I'd even managed to figure out what song was playing I'd been scooped up in a pair of warm, comforting arms and a silky liquid voice, sweet as honey, cut through the music and filled my ears. "I'm glad you made it."
I idly wondered if I would have been able to say anything even if I had been expecting him to hug me like this. I wondered if he could hear my heart fluttering like butterfly, my soul ringing with a triumphant trill like bridsong as I squeezed him a little tighter. I wondered if he'd figured out that I loved him yet. Now I was getting into wishful thinking. Stupid boys can't read what's right in front of them unless they have it spelt it out for them in slow monosyllables. Or you describe it in terms of "your mum's face" and "noobs." Oh well, all boys have their foibles of simply being generally idiotic males I mused.
He let me go and I reluctantly reciprocated, only to have my breath stolen again when he smiled at me. "You look great tonight." I'm certain my face must've been shining with a combination of blush, pleasure, and ridiculous half concealed grin, which only further deepened my shy embarrassment. I opened my mouth to speak but a sharp, high-pitched, inexplicably sickeningly irritating voice cut me off like the shriek of nails on a board piercing a cosy classroom atmosphere.
"Heyyyy baaabes," she drawled as she slunk past me, paying as much attention to me as one might to a piece of trash on the street. I wrinkled my nose in disgust. Her bleach blonde hair left the reek of too much heavy perfume. It made me sick. Not as sick as watching her flounce up to him in her stupid short shorts and obscenely thin strappy top and wrap herself around him like some sort of snake, poisoning his lips with her kiss. I was seized by the urge to throttle her. Or throw up. Or both. Instead I fled to the bar and got myself a drink. Wouldn't call myself a fan of beer but I had to drown my sorrows in something. Either my sorrows or that stupid bitch of a girlfriend he's managed to get stuck with. I was seized with a twisting, seething, envious rage that crawled under my skin and made me want to scream and get that damned COW away from him. This was not a good start to my night. "Calm down Suki, deep breaths," I told myself. Wearily, I shuddered and was still, I closed my eyes until the waves of nausea subsided, I cleared my mind of all thoughts until it was like a tranquil sea once more, and relaxed. I downed my drink and opened my eyes. Right. The night is young, time to dance.
Eight drinks, one and a half hours, and countless mindless dances later, I was well and truly relaxed. True, a drunken stupor was probably not the most sensible way of escaping painful reality but it was more than good enough to sate my current woes. I was probably a mess, half undressed, stinking of booze, incapable of stringing together a sentence properly. Not so different from the rest of the party then. So prosecute me for having a good time! See if I care. Everything I care for is probably suffocating being snogged by his whore girlfriend. Excuse me for having a good time while she goes about her stupid slag business with him! Yeah I was pretty drunk at the time. Sooner or later I was bound to snap, something to just push me over the edge of sanity. The coiled toxic serpent of jealousy hadn't left my heart, merely hidden its face, but soon to reveal itself again. I drifted away from the dancefloor, thinking vaguely that I needed a bit of a sit down, maybe another drink. It was when I headed towards the booths that I saw them, curled up in the corner, her arms around his neck, smothering him completely. I stood transfixed with horror as she stroked down his neck, her lips never leaving his, she reached down with her hands, touching his chest, reaching further, her fingers caressing hungrily, reaching, reaching into his jacket, into his shirt, down reaching into his jeans...
Then I really did snap. I screamed at the top of my lungs and flung my drink at that wretched SLUT and ran. I didn't care who stared or who objected or who the FUCK got in my way I just ran and ran and didn't stop until I was alone, so completely peacefully, painfully, hideously alone. I threw up into the toilet bowl, the bile burning my throat and the stench making me retch again and again, though there was already a far more bitter taste in my mouth, eating away at me inside. I just sat there, on the bathroom floor crying. Crying and crying and crying. Hot tears that burned with hate and rage as they traces mascara streaks down my cheeks. Hot tears that stung my eyes and tasted like the nectar of pure sorrow. Hot tears that fell in a torrential deluge as I shook sobbing on the tiles, my heart feeling like it was going to burst, my ribs aching with the violence of my convulsive, wracking, shuddering whimpers.
The door creaked. I really couldn't have cared less who came into the room and saw me weeping on the floor, it's not like they'd know who I was. The irony perhaps is that the one person I wanted to see less than anyone else on this godforsaken planet was the one who did find me.
She flounced in in her ridiculous heels and just stared at me, contempt and distaste emanating from every fibre of her expression.
"What you doing talking to my boyfriend?" She said as if interrogating me of some unforgiveable crime. "What's he to you huh? Why dya always hand around him? Why you always watching him huh?"
"He happens to be my best friend," I managed to stutter out between gasps and sobs.
"Oh come off it you stupid cow!" she shrieked. "It couldn't be more fucking obvious that you like him. So let me tell you, right here, right now, you mean NOTHING to him. He told me that he thinks you're an annoying little pest. You're like vermin, a rat to be exterminated. He hates you. So stop getting in the way of our relationship!" Her voice rose to a vicious howl and she stormed from the room.
I wanted to say something. Make a cutting remark. Say something. Answer her. Anything. Say something.
My mouth stayed absolutely still, a small 'O' of surprise. My eyes stared into the infinite space of nowhere, my ears rang with her words like the explosion of an atom bomb. I sat crumpled on the floor in a state of total shellshock. "He.... hates me." The words rang through my head drowning everything else out, like a chorus of bells, I couldn't escape the hideous echoes, "he HATES you......."
It could have been a matter of seconds, minutes, hours, or days for all I cared when I stumbled out of the bathrooms and made my way towards the exit. All I wanted to do was go home and sleep. Maybe I'd wake up and it'd all turn out to be an exceptionally vivid and vilely haunting dream. I moved as if in a trance. I had no idea I'd walked into someone until he turned around and shook me.
"Suki! Are you alright? I've been looking everywhere for you, everyone else has gone home, where have you been I was so worried. Oh my god what's wrong? You've been crying....." His words washed over me, his velvet voice not the comfort it used to be, all that he said drowned out by the roaring in my head, all feeling from his touch lost before the sickening concrete weight on my chest, like my heart had just turned to stone. Everything that mattered was gone. I felt soulless. The world felt colourless, silent, utterly meaningless.
"SUKI!" My attention was brought to the present time and place and my cold emerald eyes found his liquid chocolate ones, creased with concern and pain. I was momentarily drawn into them, falling into his arms and letting him comfort me now would be so easy. But it was all fake. All a lie. All of it was deceit, everything he said I meant to him, everything he meant to him, it was all fake.
"Don't look at me like that," I croaked.
"What...." he started
"Just don't. You look like you care. You don't care. You couldn't care less. You said you hate me, that I disgust you like vermin, that I mean nothing to you."
Admitting it out loud brought on a new wave of heart wrenching sobs, my throat clogged and I couldn't say a word, I just ran through the doors into the open night air, fresh tears falling from my cheeks. I stood in the middle of the road and turned to face him standing in the doorway. All the pain and longing and sadness and sorrow welled up inside me, my heart swelled to bursting, I glared into his eyes through a veil of tears and screamed from the top of my lungs.
"I LOVED YOU! YOU MEANT THE WORLD TO ME! I WOULD HAVE DONE ANYTHING FOR YOU AND YOU WERE PLAYING ME ALONG THE WHOLE TIME YOU BASTARD!"
His mouth gaped with shock and his eyes recoiled with hurt.
"I...I...don't have any idea what you're talking about, I'd never do anything to hurt you or..."
"OH SHUT UP!" I cut him off. "You LIAR! You never thought of me as your friend, you never liked me!"
"I DO LIKE YOU!" he was angry now. "OF COURSE I LIKE YOU, I LIKE YOU FAR MORE THAN YOU COULD POSSIBLY KNOW!"
"YEAH LIKE HOW??" my angry retort came fast and furious, I wasn't letting him shout me down.
"LIKE HOW I LOVED YOU FROM THE START!"
Say what now? This isn't how it's supposed to happen. He's supposed to confess to being an evil manipulative bastard. If he was going to confess his love for me it's sposed to be done in a romantic setting. Like alone with me on a hill, or in the park, or something or whatever....
He continued, "I...did always like you, very much, I wanted to be with you from the moment I met you, but you seemed so disinterested and quiet around me, I thought you didn't feel the same way.... So I was really happy we could become friends... Why didn't you tell me?"
"I was afraid," I blurted out. "I was afraid I wasn't good enough for you, afraid you wouldn't feel the same, afraid you'd laugh at me and ridicule me, afraid we wouldn't be friends anymore..."
"Oh, Suki, how could you say that, you're so much better than me, next to you I'm worth nothing, you mean everything to me."
"You really mean that?"
And I smiled.
Then the car hit me.
My final thought was how stupid it was to stand in the road.
He cried more than anyone else at my funeral.
any similarity to anyone real is purely coincidental
i really wanted to write some sweet love story or something to prove i could write nice things
but then at the very end i decided to change it to a bittersweet tragedy cuz that has more reference to my as-level stuff
i know some of the bits are rough here
im not used to writing from a female perspective and i didn't have much time and i did just sorta splurge any idea that came into my head
lots of constructive criticism please!!
incidentally i could actually write a load more about this girl Suki
cuz from this theres a load of backstory that could exist and if she did not die at that point the story could go on indefinitely.
so i could just change it and write a completely new story based around her with a more happy ending
good idea? yes no maybe???
i also really like that name
in japanese that's one way of translating the word "love"
i know i wrote loads
i got a little carried away
THANKS FOR READING!!!