It's a writing exercise that I write letters to people I will be leaving behind if I were to go through with ending it. It is to put myself into other people's shoes on how they will feel when I'm gone. No I am not contemplating suicide.
I know by now you’re probably feeling a lot of things. Anger for me leaving, especially after I promised I wouldn’t leave you like this. Guilt for all the fights, harsh words, and not being there or understanding when I needed you. Hurt that I never officially said goodbye or even told you. And quite possibly, regret for ever letting me love you when I was just going to leave.
I know you feel all these things but I need you to understand some things too. I love you dearly. More than I would ever love myself. More than you would ever understand. I had no true intentions of leaving you, especially like this. But life gets to us all and when it comes down to it, some of us just aren’t strong enough to fight anymore. This isn’t your fault. Yes, the fights were bad and caused pain on both sides. Yes, those harsh words cut deeper than any knife. Yes, I needed you. Sometimes just to listen and tell me things were gonna be alright. Sometimes just to hold me and remind me you love me. However, some burdens I just couldn’t force on you. I couldn’t risk having me depression bring you down to or risk losing you because I had an episode. I couldn’t say goodbye. Some things shouldn’t be said through text or over the phone. I know you regret us or hate me. I had no intentions of this happening. I truly do love you.
I’m sure by now, you’re either drinking yourself into oblivion, pretending that you’re ok. Or you’re bottling it all in and just numb. I want you to stop. Be the person I always believed you to be. Be the person who I fell in love with. Don’t be afraid to love. To trust. To open up. I know that me saying this is hypocritical with all things considering. And it's hard in this situation.
Baby, I know it’s hard but you can get through this. Don’t think about me as being gone. Think about all the good times. The long nights of watching movies and goofing off. The nights we use to stay up all night talking. The cute “gay” shit we use to do that I know you completely adored. Don’t you think for one moment I didn’t love you. That I didn’t care. You were always on my mind. My first and last thought each day. Even as I lost consciousness, you were there. I carried you in my heart always. You were the love of my life. I know you didn’t feel as strongly about me. You might even feel guilty about that. But it had nothing to do with me ending it. I always knew I needed you more than you needed me. I loved you deeper than you did me. None of that matters though because you still loved me. I know I can never apologize enough for what I’ve done. Hell, you probably won’t even read this. But I am truly sorry. I just couldn’t take it anymore and I couldn’t drag you down with me. I’m sorry my love.
Forever and Always,