"Did Einstein say that the universe is expanding?"

Did Einstein say that the universe is expanding?


 “What the fuck is this Vikku?” I ask, looking at the picture in my hand.

“This is the proof u were looking for Sid.”

“Oh, I can see that.”

“There was way too much sunlight.”                              

All I can see is two pairs of legs protruding from a dark horizon.

“That’s how u handle the camera, like it’s a fucking tape recorder.”

“but u can see the legs. Can’t u recognize ur girlfriend’s legs?”

“yeah, I know her legs, but how can u say those r not my legs?”

“can’t u recognize ur own legs?”

So I take a deep breath and put the picture on the table.

“ok, chuck it. Why don’t u go and take a nap and I’ll try to decipher this legs riddle.”

So, he stands up. God knows whose face is hidden behind that black canvas.

“and sid, look at those sandals, can’t u recognize ur girlfriend’s sandals?”

He has a point. Those are my girlfriend’s sandals.



So in the evening at a restaurant.

“sweetu, what is this?”

“sid, r u spying on me?”


“did I tell u that u r sick?”

“no, it’s just….”

“and paranoid.”

“it’s vikku…”


“u know how he is, he cares for me. So he took this picture two days back.”

“sid, don’t lie to me.”


“ok, just tell me who is it?”

“how the hell would I know?”

“but it’s ur sandals.”

“it’s the only pair of sandal of that design in the world. Isn’t it?”

She has a point.

“but I know ur legs.”


“I mean, I can say by looking at the picture that those r ur legs. I know u sweetu.”

“it’s my father. At the shopper’s stop. We were shopping for his b’day. Anything else u wanna know?”

That makes sense.

“why didn’t u tell me that at the first place?”

“u r sick.”

She stands up and leaves.



“r u sick?” asks my boss.

“what sir?”

“u don’t look well. U didn’t sleep last night?”

“it’s my girlfriend.”


“uh, nothing…. I’m fine sir.”

“listen, reviews of ur last project are not very satisfactory.”

“the ads I designed for lubricant company?”

“yes. Pervert’s joke.”


“that’s the term they used in their review. I don’t know if ur personal life is troubled or not. But boy, u should focus.”



I nod, silence.

“how many times I have told u to look in my eyes, when I’m talking to u.”

I nod again. It’s not that I’m afraid of him. His face is so well-chiseled, it looks like a Cro-Magnon. A perfect material to give u nightmares for a week.

So I made it a point to look at the tip of his tie which goes to the 4th button of his shirt.

“okay, u r free today. Go home, have some rest and come tomorrow then we’ll talk. Okay?”

So I leave.



“ ur account balance is low, kindly recharge ur mobile to continue the service…….” Says the animated voice on cellphone.

What the fuck. I’m in emergency and they are telling my balance.

“ur account balance is 20 rs. and 43 paise.”

What??? I recharged it in the afternoon only. Where the hell did my balance go?


“oh, hey sweetu.”

“don’t ask me to come over, because I’m not coming.”

“can I say something?”


“come over.”

“didn’t u hear me?”

“hey I’m sorry…I didn’t mean to…”

“u said yesterday night, that I snore too much…….that u can’t sleep because of me…now sleep well.”

“listen, I had a headache and…”

“did I ever tell u that u hold ur dick while sleeping and it’s disgusting…”

“no, I don’t.”

“like its some precious little thing.”

“but, it is.”



“u r sick.”

Then beep beep beep. So I sprawl on the bed. My toes dangling in the air at the lower edge of the bed as usual. How many times I have thought of changing the bed. It’s a little shorter for my length.

So I hold my dick and sleep.



I can see a man in white uniform, his left hand upwards and right hand in perpendicular direction to his right. What is he doing in the middle of the road like this? It took a moment to realize that he is traffic cop.

Definitely I slept well yesterday night. What is happening to me? Am I sick? And what kind of sickness is that?

“siddharth, how many times I have told u to look in my eyes when I’m talking to u?”

So I start raising my head. What the hell? I can see 4th button, but where is the tip of his tie. So I go further up and stop at 3rd button. Yeah, there it is.

“I didn’t know u r stubborn. Okay, fine. But listen carefully. Focus.”

Blah blah blah……. I don’t know what he is saying.. I’m just  focusing…on the tip of his tie.

“do u get the idea now?”

Silence. Still focused.


“yes sir.”

“okay, u may leave now. and this time don’t make it look like a pervert’s joke.”


“u may leave now.”

“yes sir……sir, did u wear a shorter tie today?”


“ur tie is shorter than usual.”

“Go and complete the project. And submit it before leaving.”

So I leave.



“Einstein said that the universe is expanding.”

“expanding, how?”

“look, in the beginning, there was this matter.”

“ether or something.”

“yeah, ether it was.”

“then there was a huge explosion”

“the big bang.”

“yeah, the big bang it was.”

I’m trying to concentrate on last night’s tragedy and these buggers can’t even let me take a breath in the lunchtime.

This is canteen, u r supposed to eat, not talk.

“then after explosion, matter turned into solid masses.”


“I don’t know how.”


“will u listen?”

“okay, then what?”

“then that explosion was so powerful, those masses are still moving away.”

“so that’s how the universe is expanding.”

“yeah, that’s how.”

“and earth is one of those masses?”


“then how come we can’t feel this movement?”

I bet u can’t even feel ur girlfriend’s pussy. U jerks. Eat, for god’s sake.

“ I don’t know. Don’t talk shit.”

“but it’s gotta end sometime.”


“this moving away thing. I mean this can’t go on forever.”

Now, this is the  limit. So I stand up.

“go and fuck. That’s where it’s gotta end. Understand?”

Silence. So I  leave.



“the number u r trying to call is switched off.” I hate that voice. I’d like cut the vocal cord of this girl with animated voice.

And what the fuck. My girlfriend switched off her cell phone. So it’s over.

Oh boy. I’m too tired to feel anything. Just hold ur dick and sleep. So I sprawl on the bed and as usual my toes are dangling…..wait. did I change my bed today? No. so how come I can fit in it?

So I stretch my body a little, it’s still an inch or two longer than my length.

What the fuck is happening to me? Am I sick? And what kind of sickness is that?



“I have seen ur designs. Better, but not up to mark.” Says my boss.

I’m looking at his 4th button, no tie…..i go up…3rd button…what….no tie…..i go further up….to his collar. No tie at all. So it vanished.

“ I’ve suggested some changes. Correct them and submit by lunch. Go now.”

“sir, ummm…..i have to go to see a doctor in the evening, u know I’m not well lately…so can a get a leave this afternoon.”

“okay, but after submitting ur designs.”

“yes sir…..ummm…..sir?”


“u r not wearing ur tie today?”

“seems like u r more interested in my tie than ur project.”


“go and complete it.”

So I leave.



 “I know doctor, this is weird, but this is actually happening.”

“did u say everything is contracting?”

“yeah, like getting shorter and shorter…like vanishing or something.”

“hmmmmm…..since when?”

“a week.”

“okay. Anything special happened?”

“no…I mean what can be more special than my girlfriend breaking up with me.”

“okayyyyyyyy… tell me siddharth, how was sex with ur girlfriend?”

“what has this to do with sex?”

“just tell me.”

“it was good.”

“did u ejaculate properly?”

“doctor, why r we discussing my sex life?”

“just tell me.”

“yes I did. properly”

“okay, did u masturbate after that?”

“after what?”

“after ur break up.”

“listen doctor….”

“just tell me.”


“was there any problem in ejaculation?”


“okay… siddharth, it’s not late yet. It’s in preliminary stage and it can be cured.”

“whoa…what r u talking about?”

“u know, usually these things develop over a long period of time, but there r cases…one in hundred, when it happens abruptly.”

“what happens abrup…”

“and it can lead to impotency.”

“wait…..i think there is some misunderstanding. I don’t have any sexual disease.”

“didn’t u say everything is contracting?”

“yes I did…..oh fuck….everything, but not my dick….for god’s sake.”

“then what is contracting?”

“doctor, everything around…I mean…how can I say this, like tie of my boss, like length of my body, like balance of my cell phone.”


“yes, this is actually happening.”

“son, u should go and see a psychiatrist. It’s all in ur head. Because u know what u r talking is not possible.”


“and if possible get over with ur break up.”



“what the fuck is this vikku?” I ask, looking at the picture in my hand.

“this is the proof u were looking for sid.”

“it’s the same photo u showed me before.”

“is it? No no…rotate it 180 degrees.”

“oh my god, they r kissing? And who the hell is that guy?”

“isn’t he the dude from ur neighborhood.”

“yeah, motherfucker. And we thought he is gay.”

“I told u he is not.”

“oh god, this man in the whole fucking universe.”


“I met her.”

“u did?”

“with him.”        

“and u sneaked this photograph?”

“yeah….she said, she doesn’t even want to talk to u.”


“neither do i.”

“u don’t?”

“no, I want to get over with this.”


“I have my own problems.”


“the universe is contracting.”




“it’s still not a complete photograph. It’s dark below.”

“there was way too much sunlight.”

“that’s how u handle the camera, like it’s a fucking tape recorder.”

“I’m trying…..listen, I forgot to give u the slip. Here it is.”

“what slip?”

“u asked me change ur bed, I did it last week.”

“u did?”

“I had the key of ur apartment.”

“why didn’t u tell me?”

“I forgot.”


That makes sense.



“press 1 for hindi, press 2 for English.” Oh, that fucking voice again.

“press 1 for ur account balance and validity, press 2 for value added services, press 3 for latest recharge offers, press 4 for……” fuck fuck fuck “ press 9 to talk to our customer care executive, press 0 to return to main menu.”

“please wait, ur call is being transferred.”


“yeah, this is siddharth.”

“yes sir, how can I help u?”

“listen, can u tell why my balance has been deduced from my cell last week?”

“sir, can u tell me ur mobile no.?”

“yes I can. 9000172214.”

“9000172214. Mr. siddharth, u activated ur caller tune service last week.”

“I did?”

“yes sir, 30 rs. will be deduced from ur balance every month.”

“okay okay.”

“anything else u want to ask sir?”

“yeah. Just tell me whose voice do I hear every time on my cell phone? It’s a female voice.”


“whose voice it is?”

“sir, it’s a computerized voice.”

“okay....but computer can’t talk, can he?”

“no sir…but…”

“so its gotta be someone’s voice?”

“yes sir…but….”

“so whose voice it is?”

“sir, I don’t know.”

“okay, listen, whoever it is, if u find her, just tell her, that if I hear that voice again, I’m gonna find her and I’m gonna cut her throat.”



“yes sir.”

“will u tell her that?”

“yes sir.”

“u better do that.”


“anything else sir?”

“yeah, stop that fucking caller tune service.”

“okay sir. Thank u for calling us. Have a good day.”



“u look well today. U feeling well?” asks my boss.

“never better sir.”

“good. I watched ur designs. They r perfect…..”

I look at his 4th button….no tie….3rd…no tie…..i go up to the collar…no tie at all.

“u did a good job.”

“thank u sir.”

“okay then, I’ll send u the next project. but focus this time. Okay?”

“yes sir.”

“how many times I have told u to look in my eyes when I’m talking to u?”

I nod.

“okay fine. Just do ur job properly. Focus.”

“yes sir.”

“u may leave now.”

“ummm….sir, the universe….i mean ur tie vanished?’”


“ur tie sir?”

“I stopped wearing tie, is that a problem to u?”

“no sir… I mean.....the universe…”

“u may leave now. and take ur medicines on time.”

So I leave.



“Einstein said it, so it’s gotta be true.”

“yeah, it’s gotta be true.”

“but its gotta end sometime.”

“yeah, this can’t go on forever.”

Those jerks are still at it. Can’t they just shut up and eat in canteen?

These buggers ain’t gonna stop easy. So I stand up and go to them. They all silent.

“it’s ended.”



I sit down.

“I’ll tell u. but before that u tell me where did u see Einstein saying that?”

“on the discovery.”


“last week.”

“okay. Now let me tell u a secret. The universe is not expanding anymore. It’s contracting now.”


“where did u see that?”




“ohhh…that means it stopped yesterday.”

“you got it.”

“so why can’t we feel this movement…I mean this contraction?”

“it’s a very subtle thing.”

“is it?”

“yeah. Very subtle. U can’t even notice it happening.”


“yeah. There r many other things so subtle, that happen and u don’t get to notice them.”

Silence. They r gonna stop now. so I stand up.

“u know the moral of the story?”

“what story?”

“I mean this whole expansion-contraction thing.”


“don’t talk about shit, u don’t know.”


“Einstein said that the universe is expanding, but u haven’t seen that, have u?”

Silence. So I leave.


The End

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