Preposterous

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Lucy, I don't know exactly what you meant to accuse me of. To your first charge, I am a successful day trader of stocks; I am not, was not, and have never had the inclination to be a magician. On an entirely different tangent, I don't think a second-rate magician could bring your teddy bear to life, anyways. You'd need at least a Grade A wizard or sorcerer for that.

To your second charge, I do not spend all my spare time plotting how to make your life miserable. Billy is quite capable of that, even without my help. If I did put my energies to that particular purpose, I don't think stealing your teddy bear is the worst I could do. Mine is a subtler touch. I would rub dirty socks over your pillow case, crack open the spines of your Magic Treehouse books, or listen to your iPod when you left it to charge at night, so that the battery was drained by morning. Clearly that's all too sophisticated for our mutual brother.

In any case, I have a girlfriend - you met her last month, Emily - and that fact refutes two more of your allegations. Er, I mean the same ones. Do you seriously think a smart and level-minded girl like Emily would date a guy like me if practising magic was my hobby? What with my name, I'd be called Eric the Enchanter, or something equally stupid. Just that alone is enough to dissuade me from any future dabbling in hocus pocus. And my spare time can be proven to be occupied because Emily and I spend all our free time together as it is. We k*** a lot. (Sorry. Maybe that was a bad choice of words for someone who still has such a sensitive child's mind.)

I didn't like k****ing either, when I was your age. And I think that proves every point I wanted to make.

I'm not responsible for anything! the interactions between you and Billy. Work this conflict out yourselves.

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