Stuffed Life


I have your teddy bear. If you want him back in one piece you must leave four mars bars on the swing in the backyard. I will not accept any other type of chocolate bar. If you leave anything but four mars bars, I will rip one arm off of your teddy and demand a new ransom of eight mars bars.

I demand the mars bars to be left overnight in a plain grocery bag. In the morning, they will be gone, and your teddy bear will be found on the couch in the living room. If you attempt to watch the swing overnight, I will behead the teddy. If you attempt to track me down, I will light your teddy on fire. If you call the police, I will assassinate your stuffed penguin.




If you do not return my teddy bear immediately, I will sell your x-box to the highest bidder. Leave Teddy on the couch, and I will demand nothing more.

However, if Teddy has been injured in any way, either phsycially, emotionally, or mentally, I will press charges. These charges will come to the total sum of eight mars bars. Thank you.

Oh, and by the way, my stuffed penguin has three body guards and a secret agent working for him. Your every move is being watched. I have bugged your room, and your stuffed frog is a double-agent.

Thanks again,





To the both of you:

I do not appreciate being treated as leverage, bait, a mere possession, or a wimpy companion. I am a bear, my name is Theodore, and I do not appreciate being called Teddy. Lucy, I can handle myself. Once past Billy's security, I launched a most decisive plan. I have already eaten Billy's chocolate supply, freed his hamster, fed his fish to the cat, and stolen his five quarters.

But let me explain.

I ate his chocolate because I was really hungry, I freed his hamster because the hamster was very polite in asking, I fed the fish to the cat because the fish was depressed and the cat hungry, and I stole his quarters to fund my way out of this city.

That's right, I'm leaving. You two fight too often and never listen to me. And besides, I have a quest. I am going to free the rest of the stuffed animal kingdom.

Oh, and in case you're wondering how I have come to life...ask your older brother. He's actually a magician.


The End

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