Mr Green.

Neither of us were doing well for ourselves right now. Social services had decided to let Lew’s father see him once a week. Lew hated his father, all he ever got from him was drunken yelling, trying to convince himself his wife’s death hadn’t been his fault. He had tried to convince both himself and Lew that it was all Lew’s fault. Our counsellor who we were still both seeing, was currently in hospital with cancer. So Lew was really struggling with himself right now.

I hated it when Lew was on the edge. He was my safety line, my partner. We always said we would get through it all together. If he stayed clean I would. If I didn’t cut, he wouldn’t. It scared me to see him on the edge, like a child frightened of the creeping monsters in the dark. He would sit … alone, in a dark room. He wouldn’t let any light in. He would stare and stare at the desk below him. Not blinking. It was as if he were paralyzed . I could see fear in his eyes. A lot of the time he would sit staring at his wrists, which really frightened me. I had always known then as I do now if Lew gave up I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, go on. He would go from being so calm, happy and fun , sarcastic skater kid, to a twitching, crying, rocking psycho in an cold empty room.

He didn’t let people see him break down, I myself had only seen it once in our three years together. He had yelled at me, told me to go away and never look back at him. I cried as I stood inside the doorway hearing his words but I wouldn’t leave. He thrashed against the wall, battering it with his fists. I ran over to him and grabbed his arms from behind. He a tear rolled down from his un-fringed eye but with a hurt smile on his face he had said to me “ Go, I’ll only disappoint you”. His muscles relaxed down, but I still held his arms. He collapsed to the floor onto his knees. I fell down with him. Holding him in my arms, I placed my hands on either side of his face. I remember how cold his skin was. The moisture of tears under my fingers. He put his large gentle hand on my cheek. His hands were frozen too. I held him, I loved him even though I knew what he could be. I always would do.

I wasn’t doing well for myself as you can see. Nobody understood how it was my fault Steph was six feet under. Not even Lew. I told him, about five weeks ago it must have been now. He had always said I didn’t need to tell him what had shaped my life so until I felt I needed to. I didn’t want to say but I felt he needed to know he was dating a murderer. I knew he would love me no matter what I had done. What I hadn’t expected was for him to not believe me.

The End

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