“I love you. Did you know that?” he whispered calmly through my coffee colored hair into my freezing scarlet ears. My insides melted instantly. His words were like an inferno and I couldn’t resist but liquefying at every sound. For this first time ever I believed him. He’d always tell me he loved me followed by “Did you know that?” and I never answered. I didn’t know that. I didn’t believe him. I thought he was throwing it out there because he felt pressure. I didn’t know where he got the pressure from because I surely never said it.
“I do.” I muttered and I wrapped my arms around his gentle neck. Instantly my forearms that were touching him started to prickle with nerve. He made me nervous.
“Good.” He said and leaned in placing a single kiss on my forehead. “I want you to understand that. Okay?” He swallowed intensely. A balloon in the bit of my stomach popped and butterflies took over. These weren’t the good kind of butterflies.
“Why. What is it?” I asked bitterly, releasing my grasp around him. He had been keeping something from me. I could tell by his tone of voice. He’s fooled me. I let in and he fools me! I thought. I was livid. Suddenly, my position on his lap was uncomfortable. I hopped down from his lap onto the ground next to the picnic table we were positioned on.
“You have to understand that I love you first.” He practically begged. My throat began to hurt. Not that hurt that you feel when you have a cold but the hurt you feel when you’re fighting back tears. He’s cheated on me. I can hear it in his voice! He did. I hate him! My thoughts ran wild. How could he of done this to me?
“Okay! I get it! Get on with it!” My throat made me slightly gag while fighting the puddles that were forming on my eyes. My voice cracked.
“Look. I don’t know how to say this –” he swallowed one of those deep mouthfuls of air again. That’s when it snapped inside. I blinked allowing all the tears to pour down my frosty cheeks. I gasped for breath and it felt as if all the butterflies flew out and were replaced by heaps of rocks. I felt heavy and weightless at the same time.
“Babe, don’t cry, please. Did someone tell you?” he began to choke up. He stood up from his place and tried to hug me. I pushed him away with my mitten covered hands.
“No! I can see it in you! Don’t, just don’t touch me!” I spat. His eyes filled with sorrow, pain, tears, and hurt.
“What are you talking about?” He whispered. A tear fell down his cheek slowly. The moonlight shined in it. One tear turned into two. Two tears turned into four.
“I loved you. You knew I did. I never told you. But you knew it!” I stomped up to him and pounded lighting on his rock-hard chest.
“You do? Oh – I mean Babe, what is this about? What’s wrong?” he rambled.
“Please tell me you didn’t. Please!” I sobbed. I fell to my knees into the cotton colored snow beneath me. “Please. Tell me you didn’t!”
“What!?” he knelt down and looked into my eyes sincerely.
“Did you cheat? Did you!? Just tell me!?” I cried. His eyes got wide and he shook his head.
“No. I didn’t.” he coughed. He hugged me. I expected a slap but he didn’t. “I know it seems like I’m all for girls flirting with me but it is just to make you jealous. As soon as you leave the area I don’t acknowledge the girls. I don’t. I didn’t cheat, Babe. I swear. I love you.” I wrapped my arms around him.
“I’ve always loved you.” I sobbed into his shoulder. Then it struck me, What was he going to ask? “Then what was it you had to tell me?” I asked meeting his gaze.
“Oh. Okay. Look, before I tell you. Let me have you understand that I love you, I want you, and I need you now more than ever.” He began to choke up once more. I’d never seen him so emotional.
“What is it? I do love you, I don’t want you, I need you, and I’ll always need you.” I stuttered.
“Well. I uh – was feeling weirdly in my stomach areas so my Mom had me go to the doctors to test things out. And uh – I have Renal Cell Carcinoma. It’s a cancer in my kidneys.” He sighed.
“I love you."