Spreading Your Poison

Ethan.

I saw your eyes the day I met you

Travel to my chest.

Your sneering domineering glare was hiding within your eyes, and I wanted to believe the chatty smile you offered me instead. There was something fragile and protected mixed into your bittersweet expression.

So I laughed at your jokes, and I fawned at your music, and I showed you a world of care, by opening my heart up to you to find softness from the rigid world you came from.

And you responded in loud insecurity, and you replaced it with distance. 

You called me clingy, and weird, and you shunned me with comments. 

I let you build your walls, and I grew sad as I watched you search for warmth in cold hearted people. You found safety in a world where no one cared to come close.

You surrounded yourself in self centered people, full of lies and blocking any sort of healing both in and out. No one wanted to clean the demons from under your bed.

I thought it was sweet when you took a fancy to my best friend. I was proud you connected with such an honest person, and I was happy you could show her a side you couldn't show your "friends".

I watched you approach my best friend, and embrace her in a hug that made her feel loved in a way she'd never felt. She laugh with vivid images flashing through her mind of the fake promises you plastered across your entire being. 

I'd listen as she'd dance with the idea of letting you into a vulnerable place, and then she said something that shattered my growing hope. She said was ashamed of her body. Because it wasn't the body you touched and stared at, and described so vividly in your sexual stories you spouted to all. 

She blamed her curves because they didn't seem to be what you wanted. I pleaded with her to stop starving herself and driving herself to exhaustion because it wasn't her. I watched as you turned my best friend from a girl at one with the world and the stars, to a girl who cried every night because she was told she was fat, and thought it was a bad thing. 

I watched her run to you for self assurance, and you again embraced her, and you grabbed her ass. She stopped trying to please herself, and threw her into pleasing you. Gone were the comfy clothes. She told me you would actually look at her if she showed some cleavage. I couldn't be around my best friend because she didn't know how to make herself happy anymore.  

I watched her pinch her fat secretly as you told endless stories of getting some hot chick drunk to bang her. You loved spreading your poison to anyone who had ears. I watched your best friend's heart nearly break when he sat silently hearing you talk about a girl he'd been so crazy about, and I saw him shut down as he slowly saw himself as wrong, for the girls he'd chosen to desire.

I've talked to him. He doesn't cry at night, but every day he is tormented with shame because he never had sex. He began to lose his self respect because he didn't fit YOUR standard of identity. 

I found out you had sex with the girl he'd wanted. I saw you blame him, when he was mad. You said he was fragile as if it were a bad thing. As if caring about someone was a sin.

You took him under your wing, and you taught him the proper methods to objectify women. 

I sat there silent as you preached. 

You said women were for sharing. 

You said girls were stupid.

You said you had the right to a girl's body, because she wanted it. Automatically. Because you knew how to tear her down and make her come to you for redemption.

You showed him how to see women as worthless. As if they weren't human.

You have no entitlement to treat any being as lesser.

And I blame me for letting myself feel worthless. That I nearly became one of them, silent and shut down, with shrinking self respect in their eyes.

So I decided to be the opposite pillar. I smile into people's eyes, and I support people who have the nerve to follow their heart. I showed people how to love themselves.

 I told you. You Were Wrong.

The End

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