February 2nd, 2008
I'm crying right now. I just can't stop. We were at the dinner table when my father got a phone call. He stood, not bothering to excuse himself properly-- or the way you're supposed to in this house hold, and said he had to go to work.
My mother got a knowing look in her eyes, and stood up too. That's when my stomach tied itself in knots and my mind swam with apprehension (I just learned that word today, and I happen to love it, despite these circumstances).
"Don't lie to me. Who is she?" my mom had asked him.
He glared at her and said, "My boss. At work. They need me right now."
"Tom! Don't you lie to me! I know you've been cheating on me! So just tell me who the god damn woman is!" she screamed. That's the first and only time I've ever heard my mom swear. I'm positive she's done it before, but never in front of me. Never.
"Dammit Marie! I don't have time for this! I have to go in to work, or I will be fired!" he shouted. And with that, he left the dining room, and slammed the front door shut.
My mom looked at me as if she remembered that I was sitting right there. "Emily, I'm so sorry," she had tried to say, but I never let her finish.
I let my fork clatter to the wood floor beneath me and left to my room. I turned my music all the way up and now I'm sitting on my bed writing to you. I'm so sick of this.
I love my mom. I love my dad. But their problems and arguments against each other are crashing down on me, and I just can't handle it anymore.
... A thought strayed into my head, and I'm playing around with it... I'm thinking it through, all the consequences that they, my parents and friends would face. Because, if I did go through with it, I wouldn't be there to face it.
But... no. Suicide is like giving up, like entertaining and giving life what it wants. I can't give in. It goes against my nature, who I am. I'm not a coward.
No. Suicide isn't the answer. I just cannot do it. I won't. I have to go, though. My mom wants to talk to me about what happened tonight. As if it'll make a difference. I'm already scarred.
My name is Emily Davison, and Life is crashing down on me, suffocating me.