I close my eyes and try to think of all the times, i've made others suffer. But every thought is fogged by one. Peter. He tried to kiss me when we were thirteen years old.
Running, wasting my breath as I giggled and looked back once to see Peter, following closely. I turn as fast as I can and ran into a tree. The bark is rough beneath my bare hands, the sun warms my cheeks as I turn so my back is touching the tree. Peter is right in front of me now. His black hair fell into his eyes, as they met mine. My hands are still as they barely touch the bark behind me. Our smiles have left us, now, he was putting his hand up to my cheek and leaned in. Peter's hands reached for my blonde waves but I pushed him back. He looked confused as I ran back into the woods, my blue day dress being pushed back from the wind. And I smiled. He was going to be my first kiss I stopped and realized what I just done. Remembering his blue eyes searching for a answer in mine. Wondering why I rejected him, but let him go that far.
"Caroline?" Wondering how long, I had been day dreaming, I look up. It's my mother again. I want it to be like it was before now, when mom was beautiful not worn. She scolded us all the time then but her smile and bright green eyes would melt the anger within herself. Now, the anger has taken over the light in her eyes and the smile she once worn.
I sit up and smile, the most friendliest thing, I have done lately.
"Caroline, I think you may have a visitor." Then, I notice there's a girl next to me, it's Julie.
Julie also has what I have, but she knows how to control it and never had to punish herself. Besides the doctor, I only talk to her, really.
My mom dismisses herself from the room and I turn to Julie.
"Julie, guess what?" She looked at me smiling, knowing that I havn't told anybody else makes her feel powerful.
"Peter, he's coming!"
Julie squeals and asks, "OMG! It's that guy, the one you keep a picture of my your bed right?" She reaches for the picture and squeals again. A nurse comes in and asks us if anything is wrong, meaning is Julie having an episode.
"Yes, but my mom and dad.", I look up at my mom through the window, her eyes are distant, alone, like her, " They don't know he tried to kiss me."
"So, tell...nevermind." Sighing she looked around the room, searching for something.
Julie starts to scramble in her seat. "Um... sorry. I'm just having trouble with a hallucination. There are ants everywhere."
I smile and act like I suddenly see them, distracting her always makes it go away.
"Get off you stupid." Starting to shoo away an invisible ant, Julie laughs.
"If your going to fake it at least look where i'm shooing them."
"I'm sorry ladies but visiting hours for guests is up." The nurse closes the door and waits outside for us, tapping a table.
We say are goodbyes and she's gone.
I thought about what she said. She was going to give me advice to talk to Peter about it and clear the air. But then, she remembered. That's the cruelty from my punishment. I can only talk to those who understand, because, what I tried to do is wrong and for that, I don't deserve the privilage to talk and say my sorry's.
Maybe, just maybe, Peter will still like me. I know this isn't some fairy tale and dreams won't come true. Hopefully, this one does. It makes me shiver to think about him. Does he feel the same? When he was told, he had to come, was he excited or disappointed?
Series of questions made me mad and I grabbed the picture and threw it. Obviously everyone that saw, thought, I hated my family. But that's not it, don't they get it? I'm mad at myself for everything. Almost killing my family was my fault. Rejecting and hurting Peter's feelings was my fault. Destroying everyone's lives was my fault. Everything that goes wrong with the world was my fault.
I hate crying, but right now, i'm not just crying, i'm sobbing. My screams sound disoriented and ugly but I don't care. A piece of glass the perfect triangle is laying at my feet.
I look out the window and my mom is running down the hallway screaming. She knows what i'm going to do.
But she's too late I grab the piece of glass and say, "This is the last time i'll truly speak."
Speaking one last time, I felt the warmth of my silk red blood drip on my white hands. I pulled out the glass from my stomach and dropped it in front of me.
Laying down on the bed hurt like hell, but atleast, I spoke. Smiling I know, my mom has recieved the message I gave her. That, I have caused others so much pain, I deserve more than not having the right to speak, I deserve a slow and painful death.
Opening my eyes I look at my mother for the last time, she looks like a lion trying to be tamed. The doctors are holding her back from me as tears flood the room.
Julie is outside crying, when we were saying our goodbyes, I told her that she was a good friend. Was, meaning past.
The kids with leukemia were smiling, knowing that the worst of my life is over. That I'll be happy again, i'll be free again, crying tears of joy not sorrow,
My mom will stop hurting now, I will and so, will dad. Peter is walking towards me, at least my last hallucination will be of him.
Wait a second. With all the strength, I can bare, I feel his face like he had and he knew. He knew what I was thinking. I thought you weren't really here.