After breakfast everyone started to leave I took Abby, Allie took Julio and Jadon went by himself.
“You didn’t cry” Abby says after being quiet for some time, she had put on the mix CD she made which was all quiet music which she kept turned low.
“No, Snoop, I didn’t cry. Look at me being emotionally stable, crazy I know”
“Why was last night different?”
“I dunno I usually don’t cry when I’m crossfaded”
“So it’s not because everything is going better up there?”
“There’s nothing wrong with my head Goose, I’m fine. I just happen to be an emotional wreck when I’m drunk”
“But you’re not fine, you told me so”
I sigh, “I’m working on it. Alright Snoop? I’m fine.” I watch from the corner of my eye as Abby watches me carefully as if she can see right into my head and confirm for herself that I’m ok, “It’s not me we should be worrying about anyway, everyone is royally fucked up as it is”
“True” Abby says softly and after that it’s quiet all the way home.
The truth is, I think I’m ok. It’s just when I’m drunk I realize I’m not, when I’m high I can pretend I am. Cross those, and that’s when I know I’m not ok but I just don’t care anymore. And sometimes there’s that weird in between when I’m sober and nothing is there to soften the blow when it hits me just how unloved I feel. And now is when I stop. Time to back track. None of that was ever said. That never happened, capiche?