My Angel

It seemed my entire life lay in this ward. I had even met Will here, of all places. He had come in a week after me, we were both awaiting operations, both going through chemo. Just a smile from him had lightened my spirits a little. We were both sixteen and were facing cancerous tumours. At first, I had been ok and strong, more for my mam than anyone else. She looked so pale and scared, dad had left years ago and it was just me and mam, the terrible twosome facing the world. I think that the fear of what could of happened didn

t hit me while all hell was breaking loose around me, the realisation only came later, in the calmness of hope. Hope is both an angel and a devil. Hope gets you through each day and then lets you fall further than you have ever fallen before.

I had thought positively for months, when they had told me I would be fed through a tube, when I had been sick nearly every day for weeks, I had stain positive. When I had missed my prom and works experience, when my friends started to forget to visit me, I had stain positive. But now, it seemed all the positivity, all of the bottled up anger and sadness, all of the smiles to please, were wasted, pointless. Will had been wheeled in, that week, his head bald, mine was getting to that now, his skin wasnt as pale as everyone elses though, he had tanned arms and face. He smiled at me, his brown eyes twinkled, it amazed me that people still smiled in this place, I wondered if his was as fake as mine. We talked a lot over the next few months. We became closer and closer and the nurses were happy to let us spend our time together. He was having a tumour from his leg removed, mine from my brain. We both persuaded each other it would be fine, we would survive. But, something was nagging at me, even Wills persuasive eyes couldnt make me believe everything would be fine, I felt as though all of the life had been sucked from my body, I wanted to give up. But he kept reassuring me, saying, Youll be fine my angel.

Whispering it over and over again, his voice like a lullaby.

After the operation, Will was the first person to tell me I was ok. My mam was sitting in silence in the armchair inside of the curtained cubicle. I hadnt noticed until then how pale she was. She looked thin as well, as though she hadnt eaten the whole time I had been ill. She smiled weakly at me as the world came into focus. The first thing I noticed was that the sickness the tumour had brought, hadn

t gone. I told the doctors."Its still there. I can feel its still there.

"Thats just the medication. We managed to successfully remove the whole tumour, we just have to make sure that the cancer doesnt return.

"I tried to let myself be appeased. To believe what they had told me and everybody tried to help as well. I was told over and over that I was going to be fine, but at the back of my mind, the paranoia never quite left.

I tried so hard not to let the fear take over, but when the doctors came, two of them, the paediatric cancers specialist and the surgeon, I new. They came and stood over me, the man, the specialist, kept adjusting his tie, nibbling at his fingernail, then he stopped abruptly as the surgeon spoke, she looked directly at us, she spoke professionally. Professional. That was what they had to be. They spoke in soft, calm voices. I barely heard what they said, but I understood it. They told me that it had spread, a month at the most. I tried to keep my face straight, normal, but no one was fooled. They apologised, for what, I have no idea. It

s not like they gave me cancer. Will sat in silence once we were alone. Once the tears had gone, I looked at him, to find his eyes on mine, little pearls dancing down his cheeks.""What am I going to do?

My voice was quiet, broken.

"Youre going to go away, far away, he said, in a quiet voice, I looked at him, confused. He didnt seem to notice, My angel, you are going to go somewhere happier than any place near here, youre going to dance under the stars and sing to rainbows. Your going to meet the most amazing people. Youll see things most people only dream of. As he spoke, telling me of the magical place I was going to, my eyes started to sting and salty water started to fall from them. He told me of clouds that you could stand on, that they would take me wherever I asked. He also assured me that in every lake, and every mirror that I looked in, I would see him, I would make sure hes ok and be able to talk to him, because wherever I am, he is. That he would join properly in years to come. My heart swelled with love for him as I calmed down, falling into sleep. Soon, I thought, I will dance under those stars, I will touch those skies, swim in those coral reefs, I will feel happy as I wait for him. Then, one day, a long time away, I will see Will again and stay in his arms forever.

"Will took a deep breath and laid the paper on the bed, it was the final page of her diary. Tears streaked his face, but he didn

t wipe them away. His heart swelled with his loss, One day my angel, one day.

he whispered.

The End

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