Smarty-pants LanceMature

A misadventure of a boy named Lance.

     Lance never knew when to give up.  Even if it meant certain humility, pain, or possible death.  He was a chip off the old block as the old timers in town would suggest.  Although it was well known that Lance spawned from a lineage of hard-headed, trigger happy buffoons, he showed signs early on that he might actually stray from the uncertain path of his forefathers.  Excelling in academics while managing to engage in a decent social life; Lance would surely standout as a more evolved version of the Sacks family. 

     Over the past few months Lance had grown increasingly distant from his friends and family.  It was rumored that he had been dwelling in one of the suburbs on the south side of town were it was widely known that a cult had been cultivating.  Some troubling signs began to sprout when Lance began changing his appearance.  His hair had changed, his clothing had changed, and he had even been seen leaving a tattoo shop.  

     It wasn't until one cool autumn Sunday that Lance finally decided to make his new life public.  During a lackluster sermon at the local Presbyterian church, Lance rose from a pew in the back of the church and began walking down the center isle toward the pulpit.  The congregation began to mumble quietly as the preacher continued preaching unbeknownst.  As Lance stepped upon the stage and approached the podium the pastor turned towards him.     

     "Son, do you have something you wish to say?" said the pastor.     

     "Yes father, I do." replied Lance.

     Reaching into the pocket of his trousers, Lance pulls out a small piece of paper and unfolds it neatly on the podium.  When he looks up to address the congregation, a smile appears on his face as he gazes across the crowd.     

     "Ladies and gentlemen, brothers and sisters.  I am here to make an important announcement.  An announcement that is so important it will lift your spirits and fill your soul with cheer."

     Many in the congregation began turning to look at one another with dumbfounded expressions.  Some couldn't seem to take their eyes off of Lance.  The pastor moved to the rear of the pulpit, just in front of the choir, and took a seat in one of the antique-fashioned wooden chairs.       

     After clearing his throat momentarily, Lance addresses the congregation in a swooping and baritone voice.  "Sit upon my face."

     The reaction from the congregation, as well as the pastor, was nothing short of flabbergast and appall.  Immediately after subduing the crowd with such a highly unpredictable statement, Lance turns from the pulpit and exits the stage.  As he walks down the isle in the direction from whence he came, various members from the congregation began whispering and pointing at Lance.  One gentleman finally stood to address the origin of the spectacle.     

     "Your just like your father and your father's father!  Nobody likes you!  You should leave this town and never come back!  No more Sacks in this town I say!

     The pastor, after snapping out of his momentary haze, rushed to the podium.  "Let us not frown upon young Lance and his family.  All are welcome in the church."     

     None of his surroundings seemed to distract Lance as he continued walking towards the back of the church.  By now he was only a few steps from the door.  But just as he clears the last pew something happens.  Something that forces Lance to stop dead in his tracks.  A little girl, no older than five years old, with short golden locks, hops down from one of the back pews and reaches for Lance's hand. 

      "Sir, why do you say these things?  Why would you want someone to sit on your face?"     

     The little girls parents quickly try to get her attention, as she stands just to the right of Lance managing to secure eye contact with him.  Lance looks at the little girl, with the golden locks and face of pure innocence, and replies, "Because I like to lick the place where girls make pee pee."       

     Those in the back of the church that were able to hear what was said immediately began screaming and pointing at Lance.  Some of the younger crowd couldn't help but laugh.  

     Lance pushes through the back door and steps down the stairs leading to the parking lot.  The screams and hollers from inside the church fade away with each step.  Now several yards away from the church, Lance begins to recount the recent scene.  He had said and done exactly what he planned to do, but the little girl's response began to yank at him like a child tugging on the bottom of a parents shirt for attention.  So much so that he suddenly felt the need to apologize.  But as he turns to return to the church he is met with a flash of white light and a sudden lack of balance.  Tumbling to the ground, Lances first thoughts go toward the divine.  Damn!  The Lord has heard me and he now burns with anger!  But as the white light began to introduce intermittent images he quickly realizes that someone is on top of him, attacking him.  A brief pause in the action allows Lance to see who and what was is going on.  And before he has any time to react, Lance Sacks become the recipient of a giant shit show in which he is surrounded by woman throwing handfuls of fecal matter at him.  

     The taunts range from "You like that motherfucker, you want me to sit on your face now!" to "You piece of shit, eat shit!"  Nevertheless, the situation had quickly turned into something far more disgusting than Lance could have prepared for.  As each handful of shit splatters upon his body, the collective smell forces Lance to rollover and gag violently.  In the background, the pastor begins to preach loudly from inside the church.       

     "A worthless person, a wicked man, goes about with crooked speech, winks with his eyes, signals with his feet, points with his finger, with perverted heart devises evil, continually sowing discord; therefore calamity will come upon him suddenly; in a moment he will be broken beyond healing . . . ."

The End

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