This is about a holiday camp run by Pontins
Smacklesham Bay was a holiday camp run by Pontins.
It was situated in West Shmuttering Sussex.
The camp had accommodation for a million members, all housed in chalets with four tier bunk beds, that is four beds mounted on top of one another, known as four storey beds.
To get to each bed you had to go up a lift, which stopped at each bed. The lift door then opened up and you walked straight into your bed.
Fancy having a lift on the side of of a bunk bed, made up of a pile of four beds stacked on top of one another, but that's how it had to be, to stop you from attempting to jump up into the air so you could reach your own bed.
A bed with a lift on the side was the norm for a bunk bed, especially when the bunk bed was made up of four loads of beds stacked on top of one another.
The camp was run by bluecoats as was the norm for Pontins camps and had entertainment, with bands such as Fred Smarties and his Fruit Bowl Combo, and the knobbly knees contest, where you wore knobbly socks, plus the Glamorous Grandcousin contest.
The camp is best known for the Grand Crybaby Contest where each baby had to cry in order win a prize.
And the Tantrum Contest where you had to bang floors, kick chairs and bawl as much as you like so you could win a holiday for two in Snorebay, an area in Devon, so - called because everybody snores whenever they sleep.
There were of course outings, particularly to Chickenchester, a cathedral city in Sussex, and the Sussex Ups and Downs.
There was the optional outing to Bognor Peaches, a seaside resort best known for the Butlins camp.
The morning at Pontins Smacklesham Bay started off with Breakfast, and after breakfast it was off to the football court where you had to kick a football loaded with gunpowder, but had to be as quick as possible as it could explode. In fact it did, for soon after the football was kicked it blew up, showering rotten tomatoes all over the place.
Then there was the two - headed race in which you had to glue your own head to that of another person's head and run in pairs for the half mile race with two heads glued to each other.
Once done the two heads had solvent poured down the middle to separate the two heads of two people stuck together.