Today I had the horrible ideal of having an IV tube put in. This is a tube going into your nose, down the back of your throat and down into your stomach. It has to be checked every six hours, even during the night, for acidity as if it is in the wrong place it can cause infections and loads of other problems. I'm starting chemo in two days so it's necessary, but I can't help but feel bitter about it. I do feel better for the food, but I prefer my food solid and with a little flavour and I am dieing for a glass of coke.
Jason has assured me I still look beautiful, which I actually blushed at, despite the fact I new he was only being nice.
We both look like twins.
You can tell he's a boy, but I'm starting to feel a little sexless, my skinny figure wasn't exactly womanly before and now the baldness and the lack of make-up due to the lack of energy for applying it makes me look even more like a boy.
After the ordeal, which I'm not going to depress you by describing, Jason managed to persuade me to sit by him whilst he played on the Playstation at the far end of the ward. I had to be wheeled over, but I must admit I felt a little better, sitting up and talking about the game rather than anything else.
Slowly I found my confidence growing and myself forgetting about the whirring noise of the machine that was feeding me, or the drip that was still attached to my hand.
When Lee came to visit me today, he acted like there was no difference in me, but everytime there was a pause in our conversation, I saw his eyes move around me, there was a nervousness there that made me embarassed, perhaps he couldn't see past the tubes.
"So how are you feeling?"
"Ok I suppose. I had this put in today, it's my new best friend." I laughed allowed, trying to cover up my sadness. "Jason calls it tubey, they have already been formally introduced!" I giggled, almost hysterically, I deffinetly looked a little nutty.
"Oh really, I've been replaced by tubey?"
"Well, does tubey give you gifts?"
"No, but neither do you!"
"Really?" His hand swished round from behind his back to reveal the biggest bouquet of flowers you have ever seen. I'm one of those odd girls who adore flowers before their time.
These flowers were huge, pinks and purples and then decorarted with glittery silver hearts and wrapped up in reams of thick brightly coloured tissue paper.
I could feel myself almost crying, it was so sweet, Lee always new what to do to chear me.
"Oh thanks Lee!" I grinned, pulling him into a hug, whilst he held the flowers up and out to one side so they didn't get crushed. He looked a little sheepish, obviously worried about nocking any of my tubes out of me.
"They're flowers." He shrugged.
Lee eyed him incredulously. "Oh no he didn't just say that. These are far more than flowers!"
Jason laughed and nodded, "That's me told." He rolled his eyes.
We continued to chat, I wondered about Lee and Jason, you couldn't get two more different people, I just hoped that the two most important guys in my life weren't going to clash at such a time as this. I deffinetly needed both of them.
Jason for knowing what I was going through and being used to the tubes.
Lee for being my little ball of normality and for having the best taste in flowers, you have ever seen!