Of Lame Superpowers and Overgrown Nails

They were a strange group of heroes. About as repellent to the people they saved as they were to the super villains they scared away.

Of course, they only ever scared away the super villains because not a single one of them knew how to fight, except maybe for June, but those abnormally long nails of his were explicitly, as he liked to mention so often, not for fighting. He could get a hangnail.

So they were useless when it came to combat. Many a disgruntled citizen had complained about that when robbers ran off with their stolen items.

Lila, the most charismatic of them all (save for when she was in her second form. Then she could barely be called charismatic), with an angelic face to match those of the Renaissance angels (again, in her second form, she looked hideously demonic), would then apologize with the sweetest voice she could muster up. This usually calmed people down...unless they had seen her second form. Then they would run off screaming yelling something about how the image of her transformed self had burned itself into their retinas get it out get it out.

Needless to say, something had to change. June couldn't bring himself to deal with the pain involved with chipping a nail, despite how much they urged him to do more than just stand there and look threatening. Henry, with his horrible cooking skills, spent all night cooking his deadly concoctions and breathing in the resulting noxious fumes. Asking him to chase down the bad guys would no doubt result in his eventual collapse, even though he was all too happy to comply. Lila could barely move in her other hideous, utterly hideous, form due to her being unused to its greater mass. The first time she had attempted to catch one of the fleeing villains, it had resulted in her toppling over and being greatly disgruntled when she finally transformed back. Mo's hard head was good for nothing except getting them through obstacles, and honestly, they had all agreed that all those hard knocks to the head had probably made Mo the dumb person that he was.

Asking the twins was entirely out of the question. One of them would agree, and the other would disagree just to disagree. It would result in one of their famous fights which had helped them break many a villain's eardrums, but the rest of them didn't want to be caught up in one of their fights without a set of ear plugs ready.

So they had hit a wall in their short-lived superhero careers. Their powers, as bizarre as they were, had never bothered them much since there were so many practical uses for them. Now, their successes depended more on their timeliness, whether or not they managed to arrive before the actual crime, than it did on their skillfulness.

Worst of all, the returning villains had learned fast, employing ear plugs, nose plugs, and even sunglasses to their advantage. The last one had gotten away entirely, to their dismay.

With rumors of their ludicrous powers just beginning to spread like wildfire through the city, Henry suggested that maybe it was about time they retired. From now on, the battles would only start to get harder, after all, and they were falling behind.

For once, the twins agreed with each other. June sighed, looking down at his nails, heart heavy with the thought that he would have to keep them short for the rest of his life.

"It's been short," Lila said. "But at least we left behind a legend?"

"Ha ha, just imagine. Future generations will barely believe it when they hear about us. They'll wonder how we even managed to save the day at all." Henry leaned back in his chair, chuckling to himself. "Oh, I probably won't be allowed to touch another kitchen for the rest of my life."

"And they'll probably have to separate you two," Lila remarked, pointing to the twins.

"W-we'll learn to get along!" Sue exclaimed, crossing her arms and looking to Rue. "Right?"

"I wish I could say yes, but no. I can't imagine even being in the same room as you without yelling at you for your stupid optimism," Rue replied bitterly, turning her nose up at Sue.

"Hey! I was just trying to look on the bright side! If you would just compromise for once-"

"Aw man! I'm going to have to go back to pro-wrestling!" Mo wailed, clasping his head.

At this, Lila did a double-take. She raised one elegant eyebrow and asked, "I thought you didn't know how to fight? I mean, you're so skinny."

"I don't," Mo murmured in a miserable tone. "But it doesn't stop coaches from using me in the ring. I always get smacked around a bit before I can get close enough to headbutt the other guy. Agghh, I don't want to go back to that."

"None of us do." Rue shifted her legs so one was crossed over the another. Sue simultaneously crossed her legs the other way.

"Wow, the rest of you did pro-wrestling too?" Mo asked.

Rue clicked her tongue. "No. I meant none of us want to change from being superheroes. As much as Sue and I disagree-"

"We don't disagree that often!" Sue cut in before Rue shot her a quick glare.

"Anyway, as much as we disagree, I would hate for our parents to keep us apart like they did when we were kids."

"Maybe we can find a solution? I mean, there has to be something we can change," Sue said, her voice lilting upwards in a hopeful tone.

Rue turned to her and opened her mouth for what they thought was going to be another one of their ear-shattering rows when the crime alarm, a system installed through the city by their genius computer whiz friend who had refused while laughing her head off when offered a position on their crime-fighting team, rang.

They quickly got ready and assumed their battle positions on the scene of the crime.

Which meant that they just gathered somewhat close to the criminal, who was in the process of robbing a bank, and looked vaguely threatening.

The criminal, looking at them in their crime-fighting costumes, just laughed and exclaimed, "I've heard about you all! You can't do a thing to hurt me. All I need to do is run fast enough with this bag of money."

Sue stamped her foot and ran forward, yelling at the top of her lungs. "What did you hear about us, you lousy excuse of a person you! I'll show you! I'll frickin' break your ear drums and then we'll talk about whether or not we're able to hurt you!"

With a smirk, the criminal turned his head, pointing at the bright green ear plugs sticking out of his ears. "Sorry, what was that, hun? Couldn't hear ya." At this, Sue took a step back, her hands forming into shaking fists. Henry put a hand on her shoulder and pulled her behind himself. Lila stepped forward with him, already shifting into her other form.

"Cover your eyes and noses guys," he warned before pulling out the corned beef he had attempted to make this morning, but by then the criminal had already turned away and started running.

"I heard all about you guys!" he yelled behind himself. "Totally ineffective when your opponents have distance on you! And I was star of the track team throughout high school and college!"

Despite her hopes being at an all-time low, Rue hoisted Mo onto her shoulder and ran after the criminal for a bit before attempting to toss Mo at him. The hard-headed man only flew about half an inch before landing on his face with a pained exclamation. Hand on her thighs, Rue doubled over, breathing hard.

"Damn it!" She uttered an oath, kicking at the ground. "Again! God damn it all!"

Then, from out of nowhere, something beige flew forth and bounced off of the fleeing criminal's right temple with an audible smack. The force was enough to make him stumble to the side, one hand going to the place where he had been hit.

There was only enough time for him to get out a "What the-" before another beige object was thrown at him again, this time smacking him in the ear, or more precisely, the ear plug, which fell out almost immediately.

The group exchanged looks at each other, wondering where these things were coming from when a boy, a cape that looked suspiciously like a bandaid tied smartly around his shoulders, stepped out from behind a building and shouted, "Now! Shout quickly!" And with that, he covered his ears. Instinctively, the rest of the group did the same when Sue and Rue both opened their mouths.


"That was...eerily in sync."

The boy who had helped them save the day spoke with a nervous smile as he went to retrieve the bandages he had thrown at the criminal, who was now soundly knocked out and would probably never hear another word from his right ear ever again.

"Yeah, they might argue a lot, but they know each other better than anyone else does," Henry agreed, handing the boy one of the bandages, which had been tossed farther away than the other one. "You really helped us out back there."

The boy laughed, scratching the back of his neck. "I'm just doing what you guys always do. I really admire all of you, after all."

"Even me?" Mo asked, still lying on the floor where Rue had so unceremoniously thrown him.

"Yeah!" the boy exclaimed, aiming a grin at him as he placed his bandaids in a white box with a crude red cross painted on it.

"Wait, even me?" June asked, pointing at himself with one of his abnormally long nails.

There was a prolonged silence as the boy did nothing but smile awkwardly.

"...oh," June said, drawing back to the shadows.

"June aside, I want to ask if you're willing to help us out a bit," Lila said, having transformed back to her pretty little self. The rest of them, who had known her for a longer time, could tell that she was trying her best to be as appealing as possible. She wore a smile that wasn't too wide and a bit bashful, and her arms were clasped behind her back as she spoke. Still, they couldn't blame her for trying. They desperately needed this mysterious boy and his exceptional throwing powers, even if his cape did smell slightly worse than the grilled cheese sandwich that Henry had made for a midnight snack last night.

"Really? You're asking me?" The boy pointed at himself, his eyes wide and his mouth slightly open. "I was just-I can't believe-!"

"Ah, calm down a bit there," Lila said, laughing lightly.

"I'm Super Stinky Bandaid Man!" the boy exclaimed, jumping to his feet and holding his hand out to shake. "Well, not really! It's my superhero name, and well, it probably needs to be shortened, but I thought it would fit me because I use stinky bandaids and I'm a superhero sort of, if that counts! Oh man, I was so excited when I heard about all of you guys because you just turn all your negative traits and use it for crime fighting and everyone laughs at me when I manage to make bandaids so stinky so quickly so I was just playing around with the idea of joining you guys, but I didn't expect it to happen so quickly! I'm so excited we're going to fight all of the crime and then..."

As annoying as it was, they let him ramble for as long as he wanted, though Sue had long gained a twitch underneath her left eye and Rue had silently resolved herself to convince the boy out of that horrible superhero name he had thought up for himself.

For now, they let him talk and talk, and someday in the future, they would let him know about how he had appeared when they had needed him most, to complete their strange repertoire of superpowers. To which he would reply with a beaming grin that at that time, he might have needed them more.

The End

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