As I said, it’s been a year since Ella took herself out of this thing we call life. Things haven’t been easy. At first I refused to let myself think about her, as even the image of her face was enough to have me sobbing and I couldn’t, I had to function. As the weeks turned into months and I got on with my life, the people around me assumed I was ok, that I’d dealt with my loss and moved on. Nothing could be further from the truth. I miss her so much that it physically hurts. I walk down the street and get a waft of the perfume she wore, and it’s all I can do not to drop to the floor and cry like a baby.
Despite this I carry on as normal. Many a time in her journals Ella described herself and her life as “passing for normal”; I know what she meant, it’s what I’d say about my life these days. I rarely go out except to and from work where I hide from the world in piles of contracts. I ignore the phone and can’t remember the last time I saw a friend or family member. The lovely Matt is no longer a part of my life, it’s not easy living with someone who does nothing but work, sleep and occasionally cry. He tried to make it work but it was never going to happen unless both of us made an effort and I wasn’t. I didn’t want him, I wanted Ella, she understood me in a way he never had and never could. It felt like he was trying to take his place and I was so angry at him for that, no one could ever replace her. So, 3 months ago I packed his stuff up when he was at work and told him to leave. I should feel sad about it, we’d been a couple for 3 years but there was no more room in my heart for any more pain.

Having spent many sleepless nights reading through her journals I have gained a small insight into her reasons for leaving. But understanding doesn’t automatically lead to forgiveness and she was right when she feared that I wouldn’t be able to forgive her actions. I still feel so angry but it hides in my deepest subconscious because I know what an inappropriate response it is and I’m ashamed to admit that’s how I truly feel. I still don’t understand why she hid so much from me. I’d thought I knew everything that had gone on in the past in terms of who depressed she’d been, self harming, hospital admissions and the 3 times she tried to kill herself before finally succeeding. But it turns out that you never know someone as well as you think you do. Everyone has secrets and as her favourite actor, Hugh Laurie likes to say...everybody lies. Ella was no exception.

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