I handed out candy at the door last night. I really wanted to get rid of it. I didn’t need to eat so much. I was loosening my mother’s belts. This was getting serious. I watched black and white horror movies until one AM and then crashed. My mother had not come home.
I woke up at 3AM to pee. Crazy bladder. I had been good, giving all my candy away and drinking only water all evening. But water is water and I had to go. Mom was in bed. I peeked in and heard her snoring. She smelled like smoke. This was odd, because she doesn’t smoke, but I guessed she was driving a co-worker home that smoked. She said she had been driving a co-worker home for extra cash. Gas money.
I’ve seen her with a lot of cash lately. I’d have to ask about her job again. But after last night, I woke up at about 10:30 and she was gone. I had a craving for pancakes, and made a huge stack. Then I flipped through the channels and ate through them.
I promised myself that that was the last sweet treat. I would start running again. Even if it was cold out. I stretched and warmed up with a walk around the block. It felt good. The wind blew leaves around, the sky was a cold blue against the orange leaves. I hadn’t noticed how pretty it was outside. Some of the trees were already bare. I’d missed the height of fall.
I am going to jog. I vow it!
I have to study and write 2 papers, but I wanted to say, I jogged around the block yesterday and tried to go for twice today, but I started to hurt. I will do it!
I really craved pasta and bread and all kinds of carbs this week! But I am telling myself it is just my body reacting to the changes. I feel great about jogging. I made it 2 and a half times around the block. I’m going to do a 2 block circuit now.
My grades have come up, after a drop during the depressed weeks. I did some extra credit work in Government too.
Oh, I forgot to mention that Jeff is speaking to me again.
I was so shocked, I decided to indulge him. “I got an A on my extra credit for Government.”
“Go you!” he grinned.
And it was kind of like he had never left. We talked about nothing, we joked, we had a small food fight. I liked it, but I am left wondering where that came from and what he really thinks of me.
It came from James and Kelsie.
“I heard what happened on your date with James.” Jeff casually threw into the conversation today.
“That my food was eaten and regurgitated by a flock of football vultures?”
“Something like that,” he laughed.
Thing is, if it came from Kelsie, and she is the only one who knows about my friendship with Jeff, and since she’s been curiously absent from the lunch table, can I trust her? Why is she sending guys my way? Does she just want to see me happy?
Found out my family’s annual Turkey Day celebration had been moved from my Grandma’s because 3 months ago, my Grandma was put into a home! When were they going to tell us?! My Aunt Candice thinks she knows everything. “This is the best thing for Mom,” she told us on speaker phone. “Does Mom think so?” my mother countered. Grandma never wanted to be cared for in a home. She wanted to die in her house.
“She is happy there. You don’t understand, Tasha, she is losing her grasp on reality. Listen, I had been going over there every day. She would forget to clean up after herself, left the door unlocked, left an entire bag of groceries out on the porch! She forgets the stove is on! I went over there one day and she’d nearly set her kitchen on fire!”
That didn’t sound like Grandma. Aunt Candice asked us to bring deviled eggs, potato salad, and a dessert. “You have Turkey day off, don’t you?”
“Yes, I have it off.” This was the first I had heard anything about my mother having a day off. After she hung up, she corrected, “From my day job. We have to be back here by 4.” I decided now was the perfect time to ask about her work.
“Mom, are you still carpooling?”
“Yes, honey why do you ask?”
“Oh I just smelled smoke on you the other night. I figured your coworker smoked.”
“Smart cookie!” She tousled my hair and I got up to go jogging. She left me cash to get some groceries, while she went to bed for a nap. Cash again. She looked thinner. I took the bus to the grocery store. I bought potato salad and dessert. The eggs could wait. I bought fresh fruits and vegetables and some healthy microwave meals for my dinners. I bought my mom’s favorite lasagna, but really, when does she eat anymore?
I know you hit plateaus when you are dieting and exercising, but when will this weight come off?? It was so easy before, but this time, it is sticking around. My hips are bigger, I swear. My chest is larger too. I wore one of my Mom’s tops the other day with a v-neck and Jeff couldn’t help but look at my knockers. I don’t blame him! I looked at them every time I went into the bathroom, myself! I kind of liked how the top made the guys look my way, but then I saw their faces as they realized who the melons belonged to. Me. The girl who can’t decide if she’s straight or not. That’s what they think. I know I am straight.
So I am trying a new diet, eating salads and drinking green tea drinks or water, then having a diet microwave dinner. I am jogging three block circuits, and I hope this works.
Thanksgiving with the fam. It all started off so innocently. We went Aunt Candice’s and my cousins ran around with nerf guns until my aunt screamed at them to take it outside. We soon all gathered around the table eating full plates of food, except me, who decided to have a sliver of each thing.
“Why aren’t you eating, Hanns?” Gram gestures at my plate with a turkey bone. I have to sit beside her because I can’t watch her eat. It is slimy and slobbery and not something easily accomplished with dentures.
“Hannah is watching her figure, Mom,” my Mother defended me.
“Yeah she’s fat!” howled my cousins, who flipped peas at each other across the table.
“Stop it!” Aunt Candice scolded.
“It’s a feast, dear, eat up! The boys like curvy women!”
My cousins snickered. I blushed. “You got yourself a boyfriend, Hanns?” Grandma was relentless, and she said every word at an amazing volume. Her lungs must still be good.
“Well get crackin! All the good ones will be taken!” Then she devoured her vegetables. I picked at my plate, staring at my sweet potato lump like I could levitate it with my mind. Then the boys excused themselves with belches, making Aunt Candice growl at them.
“I didn’t want to say this in front of the kids, but it’s a real shame, Hanns. I thought you’d find a guy to stick by you in your condition. Don’t worry, you can still find a man willing to take on the burden of another man’s children. It’s a new era!”
“Grandma, I am not pregnant.” I turned red.
“Oh really? You’re packin’ on the pounds, then! Look at your chest!” I quickly left the table.
Mom came to comfort me on the porch. “Honey, I didn’t realize she was so.. far gone.”
“Can we go?”
“Um, sure, let me get our jackets.” I don’t know what excuse she gave, but I heard Grandma yell, “You’ll get your figure back! You have my bone structure!”
Mom cornered me in the car. “What’s up? You’ve been depressed and dieting and yo-yoing with your weight, and don’t think I don’t know you borrowed my clothes.”
“Mom, it’s nothing.” I stared out my window.
“No it’s not! I care about you! Tell me!”
“I’m handling it, okay.”
“I want you to handle it healthily.” She thought for a long time, then she asked, “Will you do something for me?”
“What?” I was feeling attacked and vulnerable and skeptical and I shot that word at her like a dart.
“Write down everything you eat, and BE HONEST. I am not mad at you, I just want you healthy. Besides, maybe it’ll help you realize where empty calories are, or if you need proteins or something.”
“Okay, fine.” So that’s how I was roped into keeping a food diary. At least she didn’t agree with Grandma.