I have been too depressed to write. I have stopped running, started eating junk food and lying around. I don’t feel like doing my homework, but I do it just because the only thing keeping me going is the thought that after this year, when I am in college, none of this will matter.
I think I’ve gained like 5 pounds. My clothes are a little tighter. My body doesn’t know what to do with all this sugar and junk. I think that’s why the thought of breakfast makes me queasy. I’m just not hungry for it without the morning jog.
Since I do my own laundry, I bet Mom doesn’t notice that my jogging clothes haven’t gotten dirty in a while. But she knows how damaging this lesbian thing is to me. She bought me a ‘cheer up’ giant cookie cake. What she doesn’t know is that I ate it in one sitting.
Taped to my locker this morning was a note. Curious, I opened it.
“Dykes like you deserve to be glue.” There was a picture of a horse glued inside.
Confused at this person’s twisted rhyme that didn’t make any sense at all, I reached down to get my books. They were sticky wet. Someone squirted school glue all over the books at the bottom of my locker!
This was unreal! I wiped them off as best I could, deciding to keep the incident to myself. It was a recent gluing and most of it came off. I worked the pages of each book apart in study hall, my first period.
What could I do to stop this? I don’t have any idea who is doing it. The only thing I can do is ask to move to another locker.
The locker move worked for a few days. But they found me. I opened my locker to a box of chocolates, only inside, they were all half-eaten and a note said, “We licked them all for you, before you could fucking spoil them for us, Pussy Eater!”
I went to my favorite restroom and cried. Kelsie found me.
“Hannah? Is that you?” she called from the next stall. I heard her flush and knock on my stall door. “Open up.”
“Just go away, okay? If someone sees us together in here..” A flood of tears crashed into my larynx and choked off my words.
“What did they do to you?” Kelsie sounded angry.
“Nothing, just go away!” But being Kelsie and not afraid of anything because no one bullies her, she crawled under the stall door into the already tiny space. “You mean like this? You are way too sensitive about what people think. We talked about this. Remember?” She spied the chocolate box I was going to throw away as soon as I stopped the waterworks. “What’s this?” She yanked it from me. “We are taking this to the counselor’s office. NOW!” She grabbed me and pulled me briskly after her.
“Lover’s spat! Look out!” Someone teased.
Remember how I said counselors suck? Well this wasn’t so bad, they made me feel better and promised to look into it, even reporting an act of bullying to Dean Wyler who looked ready to sniff out the bully himself. That was comical enough to be worth the trip to the office. I got a pass back to class, signed by the counselor, but not dated. I’m racking up the free passes!
Plus, I explained to Kelsie that I wasn’t really into her like that, and while I wanted to support her as a friend, I felt I couldn’t as long as people harassed us. The counselor hmmed a lot and took notes. I don’t know what that means.
Maybe I can use this in a college entrance essay. I am applying now, for early decision, so I don’t have to think about school after I close this journal. Much better to think about college.
No I am not going to the Harvest Moon. I’m writing 3 college essays instead. I have to think.
Kelsie has been the best friend ever since I was honest with her about my feelings. We are back to being comfortably friendly. She managed to get James to ask me out. He was pretty upset about missing homecoming for a while, but I guess he needs to make it up to me. Kelsie thinks it will be good for both of us. I think she’s right.
I have been eating anything I want, and lately, with Halloween around the corner, it’s been chocolate. Not even the half-eaten box in my locker could deter me. I just crave chocolate, especially at night. I’ve gained a good 10 pounds, I swear. My clothes are all way too tight. I had to dig out some stuff of my Mom’s. I refuse to get on a scale though. I don’t want to see it.
Oddly enough, I don’t think Mom noticed. She’s been working a lot lately. I know she has credit cards to pay off, and bills to pay, but I hardly notice her home to sleep anymore. I’m kind of glad. If she saw me gaining weight, she’d be concerned.
We had an assembly today. It was Sensitivity Training! I was soooo embarrassed. I know it had to be because of Kelsie and me. We shouldn’t have gone to the counselor! I felt eyes on me all day. Dean Wyler basically threatened to suspend anyone who made a face at another student.
Paranoid about being body-checked into a wall in the bathroom, I tried to use my hall passes to go right before the bell rang to signal class to start, and then arrive late. I needed to go every other hour, too. It was weird, but I figure it must be all the soda I started drinking again in my depression.
Really, I need to stop.
I nearly forgot about the date tomorrow with James, too! He is picking me up at 6 and we are going to dinner at Rick’s Barbecue. It’s not a popular high school hangout, so I think it will be safe.
Yesterday’s date was a fiasco! Can nothing go right for me, just once?!
James was an angel. He opened my door and let me order my own food. I was really having a decent time, though he rambled a little about technological things and video games, he at least knew to stop before I got really bored.
Then as we were just beginning to eat, the entire senior football team showed up. I nearly choked on my wings.
“Well, well, well, look who’s here.” They swarmed the table. “The Princess Dyke and her flake of a homecoming date!” They faced off with James. “Trying to make amends? Maybe you didn’t notice, but she replaced you with a GIRL!”
“For the record, I had no idea Kelsie..” I began, defensively trying to get them to leave James out of this, but it was pointless to explain anything to these louts. This was a train wreck right on schedule.
“Yeah right! For the RECORD, you like to pet the kitties!” The guys laughed and pantomimed petting and waggled their tongues.
“Excuse me, gentlemen, I believe you are interrupting our meal.” James bravely entered the den of lions.
“Oh! This is YOUR meal!” Bret reached down and grabbed a handful of food from James’ plate and ate it. Not to be outdone, Chris grabbed stuffed his face with food from mine.
“Dude, Chris, you just ate her food, like that she had eaten! You indirectly swapped spit with her!” One of the numbskulls pointed out. Chris spit the chewed food back on my plate. I thought I would vomit. Chase laughed.
James and I went to the counter to pay for our bill, leaving the football team to gloat over our discomfort. The sympathetic waitress gave us a doggie bag of free wings.
James drove me home in silence. There were no words for that. The evening was spoiled for both of us. I’m sure he’ll never ask me out again.
But what keeps playing over and over in my mind is Chase’s laugh. He had been the one I kissed at the party. He acted like it never happened. He was glad the focus was not on him anymore. He had been absolved the moment the students all realized I was the bad girl.
He had handed me the beer. He had chosen to dance with me. He had kissed me first. It wasn’t fair!