This was the man I fell in love with every single day, Xavier was my life and I had no other, I once offered to get a job and was told I was my job and he wanted nothing more of me, he really took care of me I was only a child then and felt the world was at my feet. We made passionate love every night under the cool pain of the sweating glass, here I was home.
Some nights he was gentle and loving and took his time to ease the load and others he ripped at me like a rabid dog to a piece of fresh meat, with anger and those green eyes turned vile. I missed him when I couldn’t see him, he knew I wanted for nothing and I knew he was sleeping around with the cuter boys.
Sometimes he’d bring them home and let them watch, or ask if they wanted to join him. Most of the time I didn’t mind because they were cute and didn’t mind to look at me naked.
Some nights I just watched, these nights I saw him as he was. Taking these boys, alone in his world staring into my eyes lost, needing, desperately mine. I lived three years like this, never wanting only provided.
As with most nights Xavier was not around, I have poured myself into that life again, beneath the one view of that outside world.
It, the loneliness I feel inside, is as much a part of this room as those empty walls or the asbestos filled ceiling, the cracked solid pine door or the stained black molding, lights were never on and I move closer to the wall as the door creaked open, its after midnight and sleep was the last thing on my mind.
“YOU are in for a treat” He scours from behind the door.
He had been drinking and doing drugs for days, his eyes pinpointing my soul, I feel his moving, the excitement builds in my core, anxious, motionless, awaiting his approval. A little rave-boy, no older than I at this point tucked under one arm and a black bottle in the other, he is shivering and intoxication shows in his faint breath of a greeting, I melt, I know this one is not for me.
This one I’ve never seen before, it amazes me how real this all is; this man, the boy, my life, like a dream that could not be undone but continues relentlessly beating forward to engrain itself in your mind. I watch the boy; he couldn’t be older than me, nineteen a baby and with such enthusiasm and pride release his lust violently.
I am forced to watch as the only man I ever truly loved is devoured like the meat I had become.