Starscream finds out what its like to have human relatives!
Megatron was busy thinking up plans for the next attack on the Autobots. His mind whirred noisily, causing him to scratch at his chin.
The hollow metal sound echoed through the corridors and into an adjoining room where the three Seekers, Starscream, Thundercracker and Skywarp, were all sat. Thundercracker and Skywarp were busy playing a game of Senet when the noise violently interrupted them.
"Oho! Megatron is thinking to himself again", exclaimed Skywarp with a huge grin on his face.
"Yeah. Thats never a good thing..."
Thundercracker tossed down the game piece he had in his hand in frustration. He didn't like it when his concentration was broken.
Suddenly, Megatron let out an unusually loud gasp, which was soon acknowledged by Starscream in the same manner. But, by the time the two other Seekers had realized what was going on, Megatron was already bombing his way into the room and collided with Starscream who had the same idea.
"KLANK - THUD"
"You blundering bolt bucket!"
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"CURSE YOU STARSCREAM!"
Thundercracker and Skywarp chuckled to themselves and exchanged knowing glances. They simply loved watching the two argue, as it almost always came to blows... And as everybody knows, a fight is something not to be missed!
"Curse me? It was YOU who wasn't looking where you were going!"
Megatron just stood up and glared at the wing commander with a look of distain, before brushing the dirt from his housing.
"What were you both running to each other for anyway", asked Thundercracker tilting his head in puzzlement.
"Hehe, they probably realized at the same moment just how much they looooved each other", cackled Skywarp, before clasping his hands together and making a kissy face at them both, "They probably wanted to go make out in the med bay."
"Thats DISGUSTING", shouted Starscream and Megatron at exactly the same time as each other, their faces twisting with sheer repulsion.
"See", pouted Skywarp, "They are SO intune with each other."
"I am going to ignore those comments and pretend you never even opened your mouth, Skywarp", growled Megatron. It seemed he was already rattled about something and he was in no mood to be taking any lip from him.
"So, whats the problem then, Megatron?" Thundercracker thought it was best to get the question out as soon as possible before his 'brother' could have another dig and, of course, get his face blown off.
"Shopping! Shopping is the problem", shrieked Starscream, "I... I think I feel faint! Ohh! My processors are fluttering! Ooohhh!"
"Oh no you don't", Megatron grabbed him by the wing before he could pretend to pass out, "I'm not doing THAT job again."
"Oh, but Megatroooon!"
"NO BUTS! You shouldn't have married a human if you didn't want yourself a grandmother-in-law, should you?"
Much whining ensued, followed by a deep frown.
"Whats the matter Starscream? Come along now! Go shop for your granny, like a good boy", cackled Skywarp almost rolling backwards with laughter.
Starscream switched his grimace from Megatron to Skywarp. He would not be mocked, especially by him and certainly NOT on this most torturous of days. But, before he could even think of retaliation, Rachel dashed in.
"ARGH! Honey! WE GOTTA GO SHOP FOR NAN!"
"I think I definately feel faint...!"
Megatron caught him yet again before he could plop onto the ground.
"Is he ok", asked Rachel with an eyebrow raised. The question was met by melodramatic moans and groans from her metallic husband. "OOH the pain... OOOHH the agony! OHHHH!"
"Oh, sweetheart! Whats the matter!?"
Starscream was finally successful in crumping to the ground after Megatron has released his grip on his wing. Partly due to frustration and partly because he wanted to escape before being roped into going shopping in his stead. He knew Starscream was tricky enough to get away with it. He knew that for a fact, by Primus!
"I... I can see a liiight!"
"Oh dear... Oh, you mustn't go if you aren't functioning correctly", exclaimed Rachel rushing to his side and patting his leg.
"Jammy little fu..." Skywarp was rudely interrupted by Thundercracker who violently thrust his elbow into his side. "Ow!"
"OK... If I must", his voice oozed of fake weakness, "Are you sure you can manage!?" He peered at his human wife with half open optics and coughed to add to his performance.
"Don't be so noble, you fool", laughed Rachel, "Of course we will manage."
"We", asked Thundercracker, Skywarp and Megatron (Who was busy escaping through the door at the time) in unison.
"Yes. We will be fine... Won't we daddy!?"
Megatron cursed to himself, before turning around with a fake smile on his face. "Yes! Yes of course we will!" He then gritted his teeth before speaking again. "You just take it easy Starscream. Take it easy and when I get back I will make sure you are feeling much worse!"
Rachel shot her stepfather a puzzled look.
"I MEAN... Better... Make sure you are feeling much 'better'."
Smiling, Rachel got up, blew her winged husband a kiss and exited the room with Megatron in toe. But, before he exited the room himself, he waved his fist just to be sure Starscream knew what was in store for him when he returned.
"Hahaa! I'm so great!" Starscream leaped to his feet and brushed himself down.
"Are you sure its worth it", asked Thundercracker, actually in awe that he had gotten away with it.
"Yeah, I mean... Megatron will kick your tail fin for this when he gets back." Skywarp was wearing a look of terror at the thought of what he might do to him.
"Boys, boys, boys... You have much to learn", sneered Starscream striking a pose.
"YES! AND SO DO YOU", roared a voice from behind, causing him to spin round instantaneously. It was Rachel. "You have MUCH to learn yourself!" She stomped her way over to him and kicked his shin.
"DID YOU THINK I WAS STUPID!?"
"Did you honestly think I was going to believe all that crap!?"
"Er...Well..." Starscream twiddled his thumbs nervously.
"You may be good, Starscream, but you are not THAT good."
Megatron was stood off to one side leaning on a door frame, a sly grin on his face. Normally, it would be him doing all the shouting. If he was totally honest, it was a nice change to see someone else give the treacherous rat a good roasting for a change. It was kind of like Christmas, whatever that was...
"But, Hummingbird! I..."
"Don't you 'Hummingbird' me, Mr! Now, you march your big metal butt out those doors and take me to the store, or so help me!" She emphasized her words by clenching her fist and waving it upwards at him. Starscream winced at the thought of what threat she would throw at him. Surely nothing could be as bad as having to shop for her Grandmother... Could it?
"NO SEX FOR A MONTH!"
He raced out the doors as quickly as he could, almost tripping up as he went.
"I've never seen him move so fast", winked Skywarp to Thundercracker.
"Nice job, nice job", nodded Thundercracker to Rachel, who was busy straightening her shirt.
"Phew. That felt good."
At the store, Rachel and Starscream had met up with Rachel's mother Julie and her husband... Optimus Prime. After Starscream and Prime had exchanged glares, they all set about shopping. Optimus and Starscream attempted to avoid the dangling signs as best as they could.
"Right, what does she want", sighed Julie as she opened the list, "Oh god. I can't be bothered to do this. I really can't."
Margaret (Rachel's Grandmother and Juile's Mother) had a tendency to make everyones life a living hell when it came to shopping. Well, in general really, but that was besides the point. She would make a list of what she wanted (A list with such bad spelling that everyone needed an hour just to translate it) and expect everything to be in stock. Woe betide anyone who brought back substitutes or return without said items. Shopping for her was much like watching re-runs of Friends, quite frankly. A long arduous process that is not only boring, but also, at times, physically painful.
"Potatoes", said Julie pointing to the vegetable section, "She wants three potatoes..."
"We'll get them." Rachel rolled her eyes and walked over to the potato bins, Starscream following close behind. After detangling himself from the aisle sign, he grabbed a bag and picked up three potatoes.
"No no no", exclaimed Rachel.
"She doesn't have THAT type."
Starscream put the potatoes back and pointed to the next bin along. "These?"
He picked three up and was just about to put them in the bag when Rachel stopped his hand and peered at the spuds.
"No no no... They aren't right!"
"She doesn't like them that big... Get smaller ones."
Sighing, he put them back and picked out three smaller ones, but was yet again stopped from putting them in the bag.
"No no no!"
"They are covered in roots and eyes! She'll never eat them!"
"I think I really am going to faint..."
Rachel looked up at the frustrated Decepticon with a sympathetic smile.
"I'm sorry, toots. I know its annoying..."
"I don't get you humans. Why are you such fussy creatures!?"
"Hey. I hope you are only talking about her and not me."
"Of course, Hummingbird."
"Thats good then... I was about to clip your audio receptor."
Starscream smiled down at his 'Wife-Unit', before grabbing three more potatoes.
"Look! They are the right type, they aren't too big and they don't have knobbly bits on them!"
"Good job, Hot-Wings."
His smile grew wider at the mention of one of his pet names, so he leaned down and whispered in her ear.
"These potatoes don't have knobbly bits, but I know what will do if you carry on talking like that."
"STARSCREAM!" Rachel gasped and playfully slapped him on the arm. "Not in the store!"
He laughed at how red she was going and tilted his head. "Whats the matter Hummingbird? Don't you want to brighten up the lives of these dull flesh creatures?"
"OH MY GOD! We are NOT having this conversation!" She giggled and turned redder.
Suddenly, Optimus marched his way over. It seemed that he had heard her exclamation over at the magazine aisle where he and Julie were stood.
"Is he bothering you?"
"No, Optimus... Its fine."
"Then why are you all red? He hasn't hit you has he?"
Rachel laughed and attempted to hide her face with her hands. "No! Haha!"
Starscream was busy frowning at the intrusion. He couldn't believe that he had managed to somehow become related to both Megatron AND Optimus by simply falling for a human.
"We are fine, Floptimus. Go back to your Wife-Unit and read some girly magazines!"
Optimus just sighed at the insult and turned his attention back to his step-daughter. "Are you sure everything is fine?"
"Yes. Fine. Everything is fine..."
Satisfied, he turned round and headed back to the magazines.
Starscream blew a raspberry at him and made faces, before turning his attention back to Rachel.
"You have two awful, awful step-fathers. HOW DO YOU COPE!?"
"Haha! I have no idea, Hot-Wings... I really don't."
"Whats wrong?" Rachel moved closer, as Starscream was doubled over.
She moved closer and closer until he raised his head and stared at her straight in the eyes.
"What is it whats wrong!?"
"Knobbly bits, Hummingbird."
"OH MY GOD! NOT HERE! NOT NOW!"
"I can't help it! You shouldn't keep calling me Hot-Wings! It REALLY pushes my buttons!"
"You aren't Soundwave you know... You don't have crotch buttons!"
"But, still!" He winced a little more.
"Well... How bad is it?"
"You know", Rachel gestured in an awkward manner, "How... bad... is 'it'?"
"Well, lets just say... The factory is open for business!"
"Oh lordy!" Rachel clasped her hands to her mouth. "What are we going to do?!"
"Well, I COULD say..."
"Starscream! This is serious!"
"I know! I know! I'm the one who HAS the problem!"
"Go into the gents until your... I can't believe I'm going to say this... 'Factory' closes."
"HOW!?" Starscream pointed to the entrance to the gents. It was very, very small and he was very very big.
"Damn! Well, I dunno. Er..." Rachel flailed around in panic. "Can't you... Go outside and find a quiet spot?"
"Or we could BOTH go outside and find a quiet spot, hehe."
"Oh lordy... You do pick your times."
"Hey, its not my fault, ok!?"
"Yes it is! You should have stronger will power!"
"Around you!? Impossible!"
Rachel put her hands on her hips and frowned at her flustered husband.
"OK! Alright. Lets go... But, we have to hurry! Mom still needs help with the shopping."
With that the two dashed out the store as quickly as they could.
Optimus and Julie had reached the shampoo and soap aisle and were busy trying to find the specific shampoo that Margaret wanted.
"Is this it?" Optimus handed Julie a bottle.
"But, it says 'Extra Sensitive Formula' on it like she wanted."
"I know, but thats not it."
"Well, how many of this brand could possibly have this written on it?"
"Oh, you don't want to know... You really don't..."
"I'm just glad I don't have hair!"
Julie turned round and pouted at Optimus. "Lucky you."
"All I have to do is run myself through a car wash."
"I hope you mean a mechanical car wash and not one of those hand washes by pretty girls in bikinis!"
"Of course I do! Those car washes are more Jazz's thing."
Julie let out a sigh of relief before grabbing the correct shampoo and dumping it unceremoniously into the trolley.
"Wait a minute", exclaimed Optimus, "Thats the one I just showed you!"
"I know... I'm sorry."
The two then headed for the milk, the tins, the bread and then the frozen foods.
"Where are those two anyway", asked Julie reaching in the freezer for some baby sprouts, "They are SUPPOSED to be helping us."
"I don't know. Do you want me to go look for them?"
"Well, 'HE' isn't exactly hard to miss is he? And I can't see him anywhere. Which means they aren't in the store."
"Where could they be?"
Julie just shrugged and continued to shop. They came to the tea and coffee aisle. A certain type of coffee was needed, but it was too high on the shelf for Julie to reach. Optimus was kind enough to reach up and get it for her, but nearly sent the shelf toppling in the process.
Suddenly, the air was ringing with the sound of screams. A woman had rounded the corner and was obviously from out of town, since she was stood, mouth gaping, screaming her lungs out at the sight of Optimus.
"Its ok its ok! I'm not going to hurt you! Please stop screaming!"
The woman ran out the door as fast as she could, only to find Starscream and Rachel crawling out a near by bush. It was not her day.
After much mass hysteria from said woman, Starscream and Rachel, who looked rather messy, entered the store again and met up with Julie and Optimus at the checkouts.
"And where have you two been!?" Julie raised an eyebrow.
"Er... We, er", stuttered Rachel as she removed a twig from her hair.
Starscream just stood there with a besotted smile on his face, a leaf hanging from his nose, as if he was completely oblivious to his surroundings.
"Not again", exclaimed Optimus slapping his hand to his head.
"Errryeah. Again. Hehe."
"Well, we are all finished here", sighed Julie, "And since you didn't help us with the shopping, you can both take it round her house! HAH! How do you like them apples!?"
"What!? Aw Mom!"
Starscream was still oblivious. He had no idea what task he was going to have to undertake. He was suddenly woken from his daze by Julie, who handed him the shopping bags.
"Here! And make sure she gets her change!"
She handed him her change, before walking out the store with Optimus, both laughing as they went.
"Make sure who... Wh-wha?"
"We are going to Nans. We have to take her shopping round since we never helped out."
"Yeeees. You can blame your crotch for that. Now, lets get it out the way."
A woman was walking by at the same time as he was cursing at his lower region and gave a worried frown.
After Starscream had frowned back, the two exited the store and flew off to Margarets place. Starscream landed in the near by field and Rachel took the shopping out his cockpit. Reaching the door, she gave a slight knock, which was answered by a loud "ITS OPEN".
"Only us", called Rachel entering the small bungalow.
"Rachel and Starscream."
"Oh... Your Mom not here then?"
"No, shes, er... Shes..." Rachel couldn't think of a good excuse. Plus, there WAS the fact that she didn't like to lie. Thankfully for her, Starscream was on the case. "SHES NOT FEELING WELL!" Margaret peered out the back door at the wing commander.
"Well, I hope you got everything right this time!"
Rachel was just about to say that it was her mother that did the shopping, when she realized that it would stuff things up. After all, she was 'not feeling very well' and there would be questions like; "Why did she shop if she wasn't well" and so forth.
"Yes. I'm sure that its all fine."
Rachel passed her the bags and noticed the lack of potatoes.
"Uh oh..." She leaned out the door. "Starscream, where are the spuds!?" Her voice was low enough for her Grandmother not to hear.
"Er..." Starscream searched his person and eventually found them... Stuck to his butt and looking a little worse for wear. "Uhm... They are... Here." He held them out for Rachel to take.
"She can't have those! Look at them!"
"Just shove them into her veg drawer as quick as you can! She won't notice!"
"She will when she eats them..."
So, she dumped them in the drawer and turned her attention back to Margaret, who was busy eyeing the bottle of shampoo with suspicion.
"This isn't the right shampoo! I wanted the Extra Sensitive one! Its called Extra Sensitive, thats what its called!"
"That says Extra Sensitive on it!"
"Well, its not the right one."
Rachel sighed and took the change off of Starscream. "Heres your change..."
"Hmph! Only that!? You might as well keep it. The other shop is MUCH cheaper. I don't know why you don't shop there."
"Because, its crap and totally out of the way?"
"Anyway, we have to go... Starscream needs his, er... His, er..."
Starscream interrupted. "My big great metal butt spanked!"
"Y'what", asked Margaret, who had thankfully not heard his outburst.
"Nothing. Anyway. Gotta go! Bye!"
Rachel ran out, waved her fist at Starscream and ran down the path.
"What", asked Starscream catching up.
"You know what..."
"You! Saying that in front of her!? What would you have done if she had have heard you!?"
"You naughty boy."
"Better believe it!" Starscream took hold of her and took off heading for home.
"Now... How about that spanking?"