Before I could so much as react Lucifer was on his feet, his hands burning furiously with black fire.
"You dare to even touch the king of hell, you scum?" he roared, running with inhuman speed to the assassin.
There was a flash of blinding light, and when my eyes finally adjusted I was sufficiently shocked.
Gone was Lucifer's biker outfit- he was dressed entirely in black body armor, wielding a huge flaming sword with the skeletal remains of wings stretching out behind him.
The intruder put up a good fight, but Lucifer moved with impossible agility and, in one swift movement, beheaded him.
The head bounced and rolled to a stop near the foot of the bed I was lying on.
I stared at it.
"My apologies, Commander," Lucifer offered diplomatically, "I hope I have not disturbed you-"
"-that was awesome. What is that armor made out of? Is that sword on fire?"
I tried to stifle my excitement, sitting up as he walked over.
"This sword has many names." he started, "Excalibur, the Vorpal sword, the guardian of the Tree of Life. The list goes on. It can cut through anything so long as the person wielding it is pure in intent."
I tried to hide my cynicism as I looked at him.
"You wouldn't consider me one of the more 'pure' beings, but I can wield the sword so long as it is to protect first and to harm second. In other words, very rarely."
I swung my legs over the side of the bed.
"Can I hold it?"
"Not a good idea. The sword only likes to serve those skilled in the art of swordplay."
In other words, I was too much of a newbie.
"Oh. Great." I muttered.
"Feel free to inspect my armor." Lucifer offered, "It's been forged with dragon scales."
I stood up and looked at the intricate carvings along the plates, running my fingers along the designs.
"You might not want to stand so soon-"
My legs turned to jelly but Lucifer caught me before I could fall, clasping me to his chest with his free arm.
"Um, thanks." I said in a small voice, trying not to be aware of just how close I was to the...well, devil. The hot devil.
"It's my pleasure." he grinned, his silvery eyes flickering.
"And, um, thanks for...saving my life." I offered, "...your highness."
He sighed with mock exasperation.
"It's Lucifer. And it was nothing. Literally. But..."
"But?" I asked, trying not to note the muscle under the armor.
"Where I come from, rescued damsels have a way of showing their rescuers their appreciation."
"Uh..." I started, "Do you want money, or something?"
"You're a riot, Commander. All I want is an innocent little kiss."
There was nothing innocent in the way he said it.
I looked around in the hopes of an escape. I'd already heard of Lucifer's supreme seduction powers and I didn't want to put my will to the test.
I gave him a quick peck on the cheek instead, worming back to plop down on the bed. Before he could say anything Eversio poked his head in, and when I looked to him again the armor, sword and skeletal wings had disappeared.
"We'll continue this later." Lucifer smiled, walking out and throwing me a wink.
Eversio looked at me curiously.
"Please tell me you didn't...with him-"
"No!" I yelled, "Jeez! Why is everyone always making assumptions-"
WELL, COMMANDER, HE DID GIVE YOU THAT LOOK.
"What look?" I asked Bob incredulously.
THE 'I WANT YOU AND I'M GOING TO GET YOU' LOOK.
"He has a look like that?" I asked, realizing quickly afterward that he definitely had that kind of a look.
HE'S BEEN PRACTICING IT ON YOU.
"How long until he loses interest in me?"
It was kind of unnerving having Satan hitting on you, especially when you knew exactly what he was after.
UNTIL HE MANAGES TO-
Eversio coughed loudly.
"Bob, we have a lady here. Don't go into the details."
FINE, FINE. LET'S JUST SAY HIS HIGHNESS PRINCE EVERSIO WILL PROBABLY HAVE SOME NEW HALF-SIBLINGS IF LUCIFER SUCCEEDS.
Dear lord. My time in hell was going to be a hard one.