I don't know how I got to this point, six months after we started sixth form... Oh what is happening to me? I'm using the word 'we' as though I'm not the only one in my personal equation any more.
How did I get here?
It should have just been me. Only me to care about.
But now there's Caisey, and Lyra and Thom and Finley.
Oh what have I done?
The hardest part for me to understand is, despite all my hypocrisy, despite all these weird new feelings I feel for them, I believed I would never feel the need for friends 1) because I have little emotion inside of me for myself, let alone other people and 2) I believed that they would distract me from the goal, that they would bring my marks down.
But I persisted with my work, and they understood.
They're like a drug to me now. To them I am like a leech, sucking up their laughter and smiles and peculiar stories, but I give nothing back, and I'm pretty sure that they think appearance wise if my friends as a collective were one beautiful face I would be the one ugly spot just below the dimple.
To ruin what it appears that they already have by just being me.
Their standards, and morals, their shining personalities and volume of emotions, I am in awe of them, like I'm star-gazing the most beautiful, disfunctional constellation I have ever seen.
And it fascinates me.
However that does not change a single thing. I am determined to move to another country, perhaps Canada, and live the rest of my life alone. Become something plain, simple and money-making, like working for a pharmaceutical industry. And maybe just to be ironic, I'll set aside half of all the money I donate to charity every year towards anti-drug movements that fight to reveal or be told about all of said pharmaceutical company's flaws and secrets.
That will be fun.
I had planned to move somewhere where I thought people were perhaps colder-hearted and less kind in general, Scotland was my first thought. Of course I have no right to make assumptions on countries based on little evidence, but apparently they're always depicted as angry at everyone and proud of the most ridiculous inventions like the scotch egg. Now I'm thinking Canada because of the smae stereotyping principle, apparently people are nicer there. Kind, caring and loving.
I need that now.
Being deprived from it for so long, or did I just close it off from me because I had experienced some kind of pain from it already in the past?
Opposite's attract, but not because that makes a 'full unit' or whatever, it's because we as human beings are so fascinated by how the other half live, and for me that's those who base their whole existence on the emotions and attachments they give out to the world of themselves, expecting nothing back.
Me? I'm different.
I don't believe I should have been born in the first place. I am a mistake? Why? Because I've never fitted in with the normal depiction of human society, nor have I followed enough of the guidelines on how to be 'noticeably different'.
That's because I stay in the shadows. I like it there.
But to watch them, that's nice too.
I wish them only the best future that they will ever desire for themselves, because In one and a half year's time I will most likely never see them again.