"Dammit! No!" I yell, my hands tearing at my hair, and I know that I'm scaring the cats, I just- I just can't- can't help it.
"This ain't the way anything was supposed to happen!" I shout at the picture on my nightstand. "You promised! You gave me a false consolation and you always said that you would never lie, not to me!"
My chest is heaving, and the roots of my hair feel tender from where I've grabbed them and pulled roughly.
The picture's a family portrait. Aunt Emmi and Uncle John, Mom and Dad. Me and Luci were in it too, of course. Still just babies, tiny fists waving in the air, chubby feet kicking wildly as we squirmed in our parents' grips.
"I want an education!" I hiss at the photo. "I don't want to be tied down with this bag of issues that got dumped on me the moment you made a stupid mistake that cost me the life I was supposed to have-"
I sigh. This wasn't fair. They were gone. There was nothing I could say that would change me or Luci or even my situation.
I rip the key around my neck off and unlock the drawer, placing it back once I'm done. Yanking it open, I rummage through the objects until my hand slides against a worn leather cover.
I flip through the pages until I find one that hasn't been touched yet, snatching my pencil case and running the tip of a soft blue one against the paper, letting my fingers adjust to themselves, measuring spaces with a flick of my eyes.
I end up tracing the same contours that I always have, forming a laughing smile and crinkles around the eyes, small ears and straight brown hair.
But my pencil hovers above the spot where the eyes should be, like always. And I nearly scream in frustration as I chuck the pencil across the room.
I select a new one, a stoney navy this time, and sketch a cold press of lips, sharp cheekbones, the knowing tilt of the head. I get stuck on the eyes. I throw this pencil too.
For once, I force my fingers to clench around a startling red, but my hand still betrays me.
I can't seem to stop capturing the loved ones I've lost on paper.