Lester Lamarche's Story

"I should like to imbibe some of your finest bourbon, Madam," stated Mr Lamarche as he politely removed his head apparel and entered the hostelry. He paused and glared at Francis, his eyes narrowing, his brow furrowing, his eyebrows knitting and his teeth grinding as he suddenly became aware of the presence of the other gentleman.

"Mad Jack Black Hat Crazy Horse Windrider Corn Storm Black Horse Jack 'the Hat' Hat 'Ask No Questions' Storm Drain Bord Field Callahan!" he intoned through clenched teeth, his eyes a picture of glowing rage as he stated each syllable of his old foe's nickname.

"I am he. How may I be of assistance?"

"I have a memory of instructing you to vacate this conurbation by midday yesterday, i.e. nine hours after twelve o' clock midday Greenwich Mean Time, that is to say twelve o' clock midday Pacific (Daylight Saving) Time."

He was so cross that he found it difficult to express himself with his usual fullness, that is to say he was briefer than he would have been had he had time to compose a speech in advance.

"As was explained to you, Mad Jack Black Hat Crazy Horse Windrider Corn Storm Black Horse Jack 'the Hat' Hat 'Ask No Questions' Storm Drain Bord Field Callahan, during numerous previous discussions both written and verbal, this conurbation is of insufficent size to accommodate both of us."

When his old foe said nothing, L. Lamarche Esq. continued thus:

"I feel confident that you would not wish to meet me at the Adequate Corral, that is to say, to fight me on a one-to-one basis?"

He took a threatening step forwards and spat on the ground. "Kindly vacate this vicinity without delay."

"I fear that that might prove to be difficult," commented Frenchy.

"Might I know the reason?" enquired Mr Lamarche in a very macho and manly way whilst squaring up to the young lady.

"The question is a fair one, the answer is simple: the young gentleman has collapsed on the floor during your various speeches and is now lying there without making a sound."

"Great Scott!" swore Mr Lamarche in a very uncouth and rugged manner.

"Fortunately," continued Frenchy, "Here comes Dr Samuel Bowes-Samuelson-Ellis-Palmer-Richards, FACP, C.Psychol, D. Litt, Ph.D." 

The End

8 comments about this story Feed