Questions
My feet alighted what appeared to be solid ground, though somewhat more forcefully than I had expected from the rapid deceleration at the end of my fall. I dropped to the floor and found I had no energy to rise again. So I lay here in the darkness and listened for sounds of the monster following down the fox-hole.
But there was nothing. It was dead silent. Almost, too silent. I couldn't even hear my own breathing.
I stamped my foot on the floor, to find no sound reaching my ears. Furthermore, I didn't even feel the impact.
I peered into the darkness for some kind of explanation, but the revelation I received was far from helpful. I say, "received," because that is exactly how it felt. As though somebody had given me the answer. I cannot explain how, or why, but I knew, as though it had been one of me memories all along, that this was not darkness. There was plenty of light here: there was just nothing to see!
Wait? This made no sense! How could there be nothing to see? Nothing at all? In any case, how could I be seeing a place where there was nothing to be seen, and yet not be hearing that which has clearly real? Or, maybe...
I glanced at my feet to see...
Nothing!
I raised my hand and found only a fading silhouette.
I bellowed into the... Nothingness.
"What is happening?"
Or I would have, but there was no sound. Not even a vibration in my throat. Did my throat even exists anymore? Upon looking down, I saw that my chest didn't.
Nonetheless, some manner answer to my unvoiced question appeared in my head. I was going to find Sahrai.
How did I know that? How did I know it could even be found? Come to think of it, how did I know anything about anything I had experienced? That the fox had reeked of Sahrai? That the it couldn't see me? That the obelisk had been the reason it couldn't see me? I thought back further and further, and found much of what I knew, I shouldn't! Was this all being implanted in my mind by something external, or were these snippets of truth gleaned from some hidden memories of my own? Were they even truth?
So many question whirled around my head, and for every one that I asked, two more popped up. For any one answered... well, that much is evident!











(that's a cool think face, isn't it)
I like what you did, I have a lot of ideas for ways to tie that in with the story. And I like how the name of the inn is dangerously similar to Sahrai. It makes it sound very ominous. Maybe I'll write again finally. . . :?"
I liked the line about the fox's essence; It's important to the story that the fox and Sahrai have some sort of connection, and that seemed like a creative and perfectly acceptable way to express that idea.
I see what you mean about the grammar, doc, but it's mostly run-on sentences and extra commas. Those aren't really that hard to overlook. I just hear it in my head and pause at all the pause indicators, and keep going. I know it's incorrect grammar and I would certainly edit it before publishing it, but I don't think it's nearly as bad as your comment makes it sound."
I totally hear you on the "it's a first draft so it's all about getting the ideas out there" front, but, man, I honesty found this hard going. At least read it back once before clicking the post button! I really want to like your stuff, but you are showing a flagrant disregard for your readers, which makes it difficult...
Hope you take this the right way."