I remembered when I first tried heroin, I swore I would never do it again, but that was only while I was vomiting and shaking, feeling horrible as the drug took over my body. But when I got away from that state I wanted the heroin again, and that second time felt better. Being an addict is almost like a disgusting hobby, you deal, you buy, and you use. And that is all you do, until you end up in a hospital bed. I was with Justin when I tried it for the first time, he only gave me a small amount but that was enough to do its tricks. The morning after I woke up to a note left by Justin saying he would be back in a few days, to this day I still don’t know where he went. That is not uncommon for Justin, he just does what he does, sometimes there really is no real explanation.
I loved Justin in a way I couldn’t really explain. I know there was lust for sure, and I cared for him and wouldn’t want to be without him. He was a mystery, he was someone I wanted to be there for when he fell, and he often did. We talked about a lot of things, personal or irrelevant; we would just sit down smoke or shoot up and talk. Sometimes he would bring home some whiskey and we would get drunk and only remember the conversations of the night the next morning, nothing else. I remember one conversation in particular; he asked me how I would feel if he died. I told him I would be devastated. He had this look in his eyes, and it wasn’t just pupil dilation from the drugs, he had something deeper in his mind, that’s when I found out he was suicidal. This wasn’t the first time I have learned he was suicidal. His thoughts of suicide faded once we started living together, but then this one not so sober night, he told me how he started feeling worthless and like there wasn’t much for him here. I didn’t know what to say but I held him close to me and told him not to leave, I needed him and I loved him, I told him everything would be okay. Now I start to wonder if this overdose was done purposely.
Do I feel like the right kind of person for Justin? I honestly don’t know, sometimes it feels like he doesn’t want to need me at all, and sometimes he tells me things that make my heart go crazy.
I remember waking up at 2:00 in the morning with Justin next to me on the floor, his shirt was off and he has his arm over me. I didn’t want to wake him so I slowly got out of his unconscious embrace. I don’t really know why, but I decided to take a walk, I took a walk to the park where I sat on a swing in deep thought, deep thought about my current life and my old life. I drifted off from my natural family into this twisted sick addiction life, with a lover who I was drawn to. I took a taxi down to my old neighbourhood and to my parents’ house. I stood outside and just stared at the old brick two story I called home once upon a time. I wanted to go back, but then I realise I wasn’t that girl anymore, I wasn’t that Sarah, I couldn’t steal her identity. I took a walk around the property, I took a look at the backyard I used to play in as a child, I never wished to be this person then, I just wanted to live in a fairytale. I guess I do live in some sort of fairytale, but this fairy’s tale is red and has an arrow point. I admire myself, the self I once was. I admire her; she used to date a smart boy with good morals and goals. She went to school and was on the same page as her friends. She was better.
Love is mysterious and sometimes so are the people we are in love with. Sometimes I wish I could figure out Justin, I feel like I should since I love him, but I also know that it’s who he is.