From: Ryan Surdley (firstname.lastname@example.org)
To: Eric Carter (email@example.com)
Santa Monica, California
Later that day, at around midnight, Nateboy poured ourselves some good vodka. We sat on the balcony and had the first few sips, little good ol’ Sublime playing in the background. Then Nate lit a cigarette and decided to break the silence. “Dude, what’s up with you and that girl Jane?”
I gasped. “Oh yeah man, I was about to tell you! I totally fucking forgot.”
Nathan took a drag. “Well, I’m listenin’”
“Bro you’re not gonna believe what happened” I began. “The night before the incident with the biker freaks, I and Jane were invited to Brandon’s birthday party at his apartment, right? And-”
“Brandon?” Nathan asked. “Ohhh Brandon, yeah right!” he snapped. “The beardy, douchy, V-neck wearing motherfucker?”
“Yeah, that Brandon” I said. “We were invited to his party and I was having the time of my fucking life there bro, right? Loud douchy music and many fucking drinks man. Life! So later that night, I’m going to the balcony to get me some fresh air, you know?”
“Yeah, I see” he nodded as he took another sip.
“So I’m walking through the balcony door, right? And there’s this dude, a tall guy about this much taller than you, but kinda skinnier.” I continued.
Nathan chuckled. “I can see where this is going”
I laughed too. “So there’s this dude, right? And he was talking to Jane ever since the party started. I could see she was avoiding this ugly asshole. But as I walk out the fucking door to get some air, I suddenly see this ugly fucker on top of Jane getting ready to whip his dick out. On the fucking balcony” I pointed out.
Nathan blew smoke from his nose. “Ooooh” he expressed with a painful expression. “That must’ve been bad. What did you do? Did you see his meat sword?”
I sighed and took a drag from Nateboy’s cig and a sip. “Man I was fucking jacked. So went out there. I pushed the dude off Jane and I poured my sickness out. ‘Happy now?’ I said and spit on Jane’s face.” Nate laughed. “And then I totally forgot about the fact that this dude was jacked too, so I walked up to him and I said ‘Get out of here’ very calmly. He replied with a bitchy ‘what are you gonna do, kid?’ and I persisted, again saying ‘Get out of here before I change my mind.’ He laughed and the next thing he saw was some kid’s fist in his mouth. Then the next thing I saw is red. People were watching, cheering and some of them tried to stop us. We were now fighting with this dude and somehow, he found himself hanging from the balcony.” I continued.
Nathan looked at me, puzzled. “Wha-?”
“Quickly, I grabbed this dude’s bones for hands and tried to pull him up. When he was finally up, the guys took him inside to look after him. I sat down and had a drink to calm my nerves and went to the bathroom, where I found Jane.” I stopped to breathe. “She was sitting on the edge of the bathtub, right in front of the sink fucking Sammy had puked all over, after she fucked the whole party, even the dude Jane was making out with. I was kinda speechless, bro. I sat on the toilet and lit a hand rolled cig, with small bits of weed inside. Borrowed some, hope you don’t mind.”
Nateboy laughed and took another drag. “Go on, little Gay Ry-Ry.”
“Fuck you man” I laughed. “So I chilled on the fucking toilet, with Jane crying ahead of me on the bathtub. I took a few drags and then I asked if she was hurt from you know, the fight. She said she wasn’t. I took another fucking drag and said ‘It really sucks when you find out the person you thought you knew wasn’t ever really that person.’ She then dropped another tear. ‘I understand’ she said. I fucking laughed dude. ‘Haha, sure you do.’”
I sighed. “Then I threw the cigarette in the toilet and opened the door. I kinda stopped there for a second and looked at Jane. I didn’t know what to say man, I was hurt. So I turned around and said ‘Good night, Jane’ and then left the party for fucking good.”
Nateboy put out his cigarette and looked at me, half smiling. He then cleared his throat. “W”
“What?” I asked.
“H” he continued.
“Dude, the fuck?”
“Oh man no, not again”
“C’mon man cut it out!”
“E!” he shouted. “You never learn Ry-Ry, do you?” he began to tease me and give me friendly slaps in the back of the head. “Party chicks are whoooooores!” he shouted. “How many times do I have to tell you that?”
“But bro, this one looked special!-”
“Oh bite my ass Ryan, there ain’t special in party chicks”
Nathan then lit another cigarette. After a long pause, I heard him laugh. “Oh boy that reminds me of high school” he chuckled. I laughed. Oh man, Nathan’s high/junior high stories are fucking hilarious.
He opened a second bottle of beer and smiled. “Alright listen up” he said. I was aaall ears! “So when I was 16, I was dating this girl, Gina. Remember?” he asked. “What, the redhead?” I asked. He nodded ‘yes’. I laughed out loud “Oh yeah I remember!” Truth be told, the ginger was a hot piece of ass. She was 18 at the time. “So one day she told me to come over for some ‘quality time’. Of course, I accepted” he continued.
“By saying ‘quality time’ you mean…”
“Yeah, dick in the vagina quality time” he interrupted. “I went to her house that afternoon and she hurriedly made coffee and undressed” Nateboy said and took a drag, smiling. “Y’know, straight to the point. Then we went at it obviously. Problem is, it was my second time having sex and it was so awkward it took me like 5 minutes to get ready” he continued. I laughed so much because I didn’t know what to expect.
Nate always told me that one day, I’d know all of his ridiculous and awkward experiences, but he never told me all of them to keep the suspense. He says that way it’s funnier. “It was going pretty well, but the thing is we overlooked that she was being in a hurry for a reason. Suddenly, I heard the downstairs door open. ‘Ooooh man I’m so fucked’ I thought. Another problem is that I was close to finishing at that point” he paused. Oh man I was laughing my fucking ass off at that point. Nate was mixing laughter with words as he went by. Fucking hilarious! “And you know… after a certain point there’s no stoppin’, you know what I mean right? And so she pulled away in anxiety, but I was about to pull out too. So I finished on her bed and by the time we heard footsteps on the staircase, I was out the window, fully fucking naked” he continued and then couldn’t hold his laughter anymore and fucking burst out with it. Bro, my heart was aching from laughing then I’m tellin’ ya. “Oh, man!” I could hardly speak. When Nathan came to, he continued. “And- and then-” more laughing. “And then her stepdad saw me from the kitchen window, dressing up! I saw him, he saw me. Oh man that was SO awkward!” I was literally crying there. “Then I fucking ran with half of my dick swaying in the wind as I heard her mom shouting from upstairs!”
That was the absolute best story I’ve ever heard; fuck Shakespeare! We were laughing for 30 minutes straight and I’m laughing as I’m typing this shit. “Bro, her stepdad was laughing too, this was unreal” he said. The night went by with more stories from both sides and many beers and cigarettes (and a great blunt after a while;3)
But then the chit chat was interrupted by a phonecall Nathan received. It was Austin. “Hello? Hey man!” Nathan said. “Yeah we’re fine. Sure. What? Okay bro, we’ll figure something out. Yeah 8AM. See ya” he hung up. “What’s up?” I asked. “Rattlesnake bullshit bro, it’s time. Austin said to bring our guns and also ‘bring pain’” he winked.
“Right on.” I replied as cheered and sipped from our bottles.
Ryan Surdley – RS.