Room 109Mature

A warped shelf rests inside a closet supporting a bar of soap, tube of toothpaste, one hand towel and a complementary pamplet listing standard rules of common courtesty. .  And now my red duo tang. Binding together years of lose rhymes. Gathering my fractured thoughts.  I squat in the middle of the floor and begin  searching  for clues as to why I am here.  Overlooked last time . Once again unable to see a fully furnished room. Outside the dirty cracked window pane I hear the laughter of two chihldren. If only I could muster up the interest to walk over and take a peek. But what difference would it make , I was flat. Like a big roboust  tire which had been deflated or a party ballon which had losts all of it's hellium. Is this what death feels like? Is this hell? I remembered thinking. But none of these thoughts could remotely compare to the pain and embaressment  which I would soon experience if I were to try to understand through the minds lense of logic, the events which landed me here in the first place.  What about my family ?, a single tear trickles down my cheeck , and  my stomache churns in waves.  Why do I have to be this way? why can't I operate the way normal people do. It is not fair to my family, I have no right to drag them through my own personal hell. They do not understand , and I don't expect them to. I don't understand myself either.  I pulled my legs  up and tucked them under my chin, grasped my hands around my knees  and began to cry, and I cried  and I cried . I'm going to make a healing river I thought, I'm going to cry enough tears and puke enough verbal vomit for every patient in this place!  I cursed every pill pushing nurse from one end of the planet to the other, Fuck the shrinks and their labelings, their arrogance , their bullshit therapy and knowledge of the mentally ill. How dare these people slap me with a label and make me feel like I am a freak , like I am different.  I cursed God, after all it was God who was speaking to me, it was God telling me I was his messenger, he was the one who gave me the poetry.  He told me I was his prophet!  But what about all the other people who say they hear from God? why aren't they on medications too.  Are they lieing? . Maybe they ,unlike myself do not really hear God, speaking.  Oh ok I thought, now I get it.  All I have to do is tell the shrinks that when I say God was speaking to me , that I did not mean it in the litteral sense,. But  this  unfortunetly would not explain locking myself in the recroom for days on end, underlining scritpures I believed  God wanted me to know.  This could be a problem I decided. Rubbing my forehead and trying to recall if the shrink knew about this little espisode. Had I told her ?. No mu husband probably did.  He was quite conserned that I had underlined almost the entire book.  I know I told them about the day I saw Jesus appear on my computer screne.  Iknow I was lucid, I was not manic. It was the most beautiful hallucination I had ever had. He was walking through a field of golden wheat, he turned to me and spoke to me, maybe it was like telepathy, no audible words, just spoke into my being. He said to me, "The field is ripe the workers are few"!, then he motioned with his arm for me to follow him.  I was hit with the most beautiful state of being I had ever experienced. Suddenly my mind was operating on a level of conscienouseness above what my carnal mind was capable of. There really is a  Nirvana, there really is a place inside of the human miind , that defys time , or gravity or labels, cultures ... there is a oneness a connection to all of life in this place, and the soul of this place is absolute peace and harmony.  I loved everyone , everyone was my family in this place.  This family was all of one blood. There was no anger, no rage no bagagge of pain , insecurities, no ego ........... But a blank slate, a new canvas  stripped of all the crap we build here , as individuals and  the walls seperating us from one another do not exsist here, there is no time , as we exsist and operate in it.  Just being.. and in that being pure undaluterated joy and love...   

I smiled from the inside, maybe my convergance would not be that bad this time....

The End

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