Robin Hood decides to have a day off, and it all goes horribly wrong...!
Once upon a time, there was a hero called Robin Hood. But Robin wasn't actually much good at being a hero: he was always doing things wrong.
Robin Hood had two friends - Little John and Will Scarlet. Little John was big and tall, and had often been mistaken for a giant. Will Scarlet made all the plans. However, he was slightly mad, and because of this, he would write his plan on a piece of parchment or a stick and then put it in the fire by accident. Once, he'd even written his plan on the back of Maid Marian's skirt!
Robin Hood was exhausted. Yesterday, he had retrieved a rubber duck from the evil Sheriff of Nottingham and helped a boy with his maths homework.
“I need a holiday!” he complained to Will Scarlet.
“Robin, you're a hero! You can’t have a holiday!”
“Hard cheese. I’m off to have forty winks. Ta ta.” And Robin disappeared into the tent.
Some time later, “Here you go!” bellowed Little John, appearing through the trees. Behind him he was dragging a tree. No kidding. A tree.
“What have we told you, Little John?” asked Will Scarlet.
“Er…” the giant stopped and scratched his bushy beard.
“Don't pull up any more trees!”
“Oh, yeah, that… Jeez, Will, I forgot. Sorry.”
“Never mind,” sighed Will.
John dropped the tree and caused an earthquake in Acre. “Where’s Robin?” he asked, sitting down on a log that squealed like a seasick rat.
“He’s having forty winks,” answered Will. “Let's play Snap."
Will began to deal the cards when Robin appeared from the tent, rubbing his eyes.
"Nice nap?" enquired Will.
"No," complained Robin. "There was a twig in my hair and when I turned over, it went-"
"SNAP!" shouted Will. "Ha ha - I've won!"
"I'm going to read my book instead," said Robin, sitting down on a tree trunk.
Heroes, wrote H.E. Row, must come to the aid of the poor and needy-
"SNAP!" yelled Little John, delighted that he'd won at last. "SNAP, SNAP, SNAP!!! I'VE WON!!"
"No," sighed Will. "That's a queen."
"A queen," agreed John, scratching his head.
"And this is an ace."
"And they don't snap."
"So…I don't get the cards?"
The poor and needy-
The poor and-
The poor an-
"BE QUIET!" yelled Robin, jumping up from his tree stump like a rabbit with a red-hot poker up its bottom. He hurled his book at the tent. "PLAY A GAME THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE SHRIEKING EVERY FIVE SECONDS, CAN'T YOU? IT'S MY DAY OFF!"
"Ok, Robin. Good plan," said Will, collecting up the cards.
"Humph!" grumbled Robin. He sat and sulked on his tree stump, picking his nose.
Suddenly, Marian burst into the clearing, shrieking 'Robin! Robin!'
"GO AWAY - IT'S MY DAY OFF!" yelled Robin. "CAN'T YOU GIVE A GUY A BREAK?"
"But, Robin," gasped Marian. "Heroes can't have days off! We need you!"
"Well I'm not coming," said Robin stubbornly. "So there."
"But, Robin! The Sheriff of Nottingham is trying to make me marry him without giving me a new dress!"
"Oh, whatever. Like I care."
"But Robin!" she stamped. "It's so unfair!" she whined. "I've got to have a new dress!" she sobbed.
"Well, can't you tell him that it's my day off? He'll just have to save being evil for another day."
"No. You do it!" scowled Marian.
"Oh, FINE," said Robin heavily, getting to his feet. "Honestly, I stop being a hero for ONE DAY, and look what happens!"
The Sheriff of Nottingham was sitting down to chocolate chip cookies. He was making a list of horrific tortures:
Tickle them again.
Tickle them some more.
"Oh your Sheriff-ness," drooled the squire serving the cookies. "You are s-o-o-o evil."
"I am, aren't I?" chortled the Sheriff, licking his chocolatey fingers.
Suddenly, there was a noise from outside.
"I demand to see the Sheriff!" announced a voice.
"Er, I'm sorry, Robin Hood, but seeing as you're an outlaw and everything, I can't really let you," said the guard.
"Well you will, because I'm a hero," declared Robin Hood.
"Er, ok, then," hesitated the guard, and opened the door.
In came Robin. He drew his sword, and pointed it at the squire serving biscuits.
"Now, evil Sheriff," he said. Then he caught sight of the cookies. "Ooh, could I have one of those? I'm rather peckish. Thanks, mate," he continued, helping himself to a handful of biscuits
"Er, my pleasure," murmured the squire.
"Now, evil Mumphiph," Robin mumbled through a mouthful of cookies. "Amumphamaghph!"
"Er, sorry, Robin," apologized the squire. "But I'm not actually the Sheriff of Nottingham. That's him."
Robin looked from the Sheriff to the squire, then back again. "Mumphgrumphey? I mean, he is?"
Robin looked at them again. "Er, are you sure?" he asked.
"Yes. Quite sure."
"Oh. Ok, then. I'll make my entrance again, then, shall I?" he hurried out, re-entered the room, and pointed his sword at the Sheriff this time.
"Now, evil Sheriff," he said. "Can we make this snappy, because it's my day off?"
"That's fine by me - I've got to go and be evil," replied the Sheriff.
"Good," said Robin. "Well, because it's my day off and everything, would you stop being evil until tomorrow?"
"I'm sorry, Robin Hood, but if I stopped being evil now, I'd be out of a job." "Fair enough. Well, could you marry Marian tomorrow, when I can rescue her?"
"That's fine by me. She had an awful tantrum this morning and broke my lovely statue of Prince John. On second thoughts, could you rescue her today?"
"No thanks," said Robin. "It's my day off, you see!"
That night, Robin Hood, Little John and Will Scarlet were tucking into beans on toast.
"You know," mused Robin. "This 'hero' lark is a bit tiring. Do you think you'd cope if I had a day off…?"