The Diary of Mary-Jane Dixon
Not that simple, hey? It sounded pretty damned simple to me. I can't see you any more. I'm engaged. Engaged, for christs sake! He was practically having an affair with me, the idiot!
However much I curse him and call him an idiot, the name calling just seems to glaze over what I'm really feeling inside. Fear, pain loss, of course, but it''s more than that.
How do I explain it to you, diary? I hate him, but I still love him. Hoplessly, undeniabley, I still love him. He was perfect, in almost every way, and he loved me back, I know that, deep in my heart.
Hate and love, hate and love. Complete opposites, and I am feeling both collide violently within me at this very moment. I feel torn apart and sewn up too tight, I feel loved, I feel as if he just spat in my face and pushed my face in the dirt.
I DON''T UNDERSTAND!
Simple? Maybe I understand a little of what he's trying to tell me, but there's more to it than that. He has something to hide, the devil. That handsome, irresistable devil...
Jesus Christ. I'm in one big mess now.
I guess there is a way, to try and drag him back. It feels stupid, immature, even a childish notion. Get to him where it hurts.
Go out with someone else. Put on the, "I couldn't give a sh*t," face whenever I see him. Make him feel the pain, feel jelouse and desperate.
But I don't have the guts to split up a relationship where he's engaged, for God's sake! But surley it's the only way...
Desperate times call for desperate mesaures, as they always say. Wish me luck!