More or less what he's like, maybe what really happened.Mature

Do you know what really happened? With Cian? With Elly? Let me explain. Cian and I.. We don't go all that far back. It's about a year and a month or two, now. What happened is I was done. There really wasn't anything left, nothing I could see, nothing I wanted to see. I was tired, and I was too weak to really try. Then I met him. And he shined for me brighter than anything and everything. What he did is he saved me. And he was there. No one was, no one but Ashlie. But Ashlie is gone. Ashlie, James. The two people that were part of keeping my sanity. Dessie and Alexis were next. And it wasn't fair, you see. How can the people you love so much and would do anything for, just go? Leave? Disappear, never to come back? To fade away like it was nothing. Make all these promises and they suddenly mean nothing anymore. How? You see, they can, because they lose all faces that kept reality. When the people you love and need just aren't there anymore, bits and pieces start falling apart. And one day, you just can't take it anymore. You have this long battle with your self conscience and reality, and maybe reality wins, or maybe you win. Reality works both ways. It can look like defeat, and you're just gone, like everyone else. Or it can show you the way. Show you it's worth fighting for. And so you continue, and you keep moving, and working on it. And the battle with your self conscience is the same. But see, with me, I don't remember. Cian tended to make me forget. You see, he wanted me to forget. Remember just enough for the pain to still be there, for the memories to still be there and mean something, but forget enough to edge towards safety and success. But the way he worked towards that was the wrong way. He'd make everything look okay, but we both knew that they weren't. He didn't really try to pretend. But he "fought" enough to show me it was worth it, even in the nights where neither of us really wanted to, we did it anyways. And we made it. We did, we made it so far. And he was still blind to it. You see, for him, he'd fight for us, for the ones he'd met and felt the need to save. But you can't save everyone. And in the end, we accept the love we think we deserve. With Cian, he tended to try and make everything numb. That was the problem. You're the one trying to make sure the both of you are okay, because you're finally up again. And he's just fighting against you. He's just kicking you away, but in a soft way. He's making sure you're up there and living again, while he's dying. And you work hard to show him you can't go up without him, you show him none of us can. And he shakes his head and turns away, and you chase after him and make him stay. That's how it always works. He makes a point of trying to leave, and you fight and scream and cry and make him stay. That was how it worked. And then there's the off chance one of you are moving. But with us, he's the one moving. To go back to "us".. You see, he'd create that image for  you, whatever image you wanted or need to keep you happy, to save you. He'd do it, if only to insure that you're safe. And that was never good. It may look good, but it really isn't. Maybe if you're lucky, you'll see through it, and you end it all nicely, and you walk away both happy, still good friends, but not at all like it was then. Or maybe it'll play out like mine and Skye's. With Skye, we sadly both ended up in love. But her time was more.. correct, you could say. Who falls in love in four months? You don't, not really. The butterflies lie, they make you feel things you never understood, could never explain. And you call it love. But it's not really that at all, is it? No, not at all. Not even infatuation. It was the fact that he'd saved me, when no one else would. I'd hated that my mother played that she understood, and she probably did/does, but doesn't know what to say to me. No one was there to support her. I found Cian, and he was there. He talked me out of everything. Our scars are each others stories. Cian would yell at you when you did anything, and yet he'd sit there and do it too and get upset when you yelled at him. And I followed suit. Soon enough, I stopped. I tried, at least. And then I finally did stop. And it still wasn't enough for him. He met a few other girls, and he wanted to save them, too. But the way he was trying to save me. And that's not right. You can't save everyone. You can't save them the way you want or feel the need to, you have to save them properly, not through lies. And that's how it went with Dessie. He lied to her to keep her alive. That knowledge alone was enough to stab me. And it did wound me, it wounded me a great deal. He tried to get me to shrug it off, that's how he tried to play things. But it doesn't work that way. You can't just lie to someone so they'll be okay. Sure, you can make things look and seem softer to give them hope, but you can't give them false hope. And then she was gone. And he blamed himself, and no one could comfort him. That's how it was all killing him. He would say he could take everyone's pain, but we all knew well enough it was killing him inside, no matter how much he smiled or laughed to make it look okay. It was really the way he tried to do things. He could be forceful, and there were times he'd get angry. But he wasn't angry at anyone but himself. That's how some nights were. And those weren't good nights, those kinds of nights were the nights that I'd wished more than anything that I could fix everything, in that one moment. But you can't. I can't. I couldn't. In the end, I did fight for him. But it was his own doing that ended it. It was the fact that I didn't like being lied to, it was the fact that I had tried to keep him up. It was the fact that he didn't want help, and it didn't matter that we were trying to save him. It mattered that he saved us, at least, for the most part. What mattered to us was that he saved us, and it was our turn to save him. Instead he shrugged it off, just like usual. And he's disappeared for awhile. He moved. And though we miss him and most await his return, I do not. It's time I fought on my own. And maybe I'm not strong enough, but at least I have those around me whom I care about and love more than possibly everything. The ones who've never, ever let me down. And I won't let them down. It's time he found a girl that was actually worth it. Because I am definitely not that girl anymore. I never was, really. But you know, that's okay. In the end, everything will be okay, right? Yeah, yeah they will. Because life will go on, and we will all still have each other. We'll still have every memory, every little moment. But in the end, you can't save everyone. And you just have to let it go. Because other people will come for you, and you will be okay.

The End

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