I wish...Mature

Just apologies, more so than that. Just things I wish I could say but I don't..

I wish I could be more. That I could have been more. But I'm not, and I won't be. And for that, I'm sorry. For never being good enough. For not always saying the right things. For never knowing what to do. For just existing. Maybe I wish it was the end. maybe it looks like the end. But maybe that's not it at all. Maybe it's the beginning. I don't know, and I'm not really sure I even care. I don't think I care what it is, where it is, what will happen. I think I stopped caring, almost completely. Maybe not even that. Maybe I _do_ care. Maybe all those feelings are just invisible right now. I kinda wish they weren't. I wish I could feel everything. But then again, that would lead to horror. That would lead to fear. That would lead to everything I don't want. Maybe that's exactly what I need, though. To see and feel it all, again. Maybe that's not it at all. No, it doesn't really sound right, either. I'm not totally sure. Then again, I've never been all too sure of anything. I think the only time I've been sure of something today is something I felt. It was those stupid butterflies. And even then, it was still full of wonder. Why me? Why do I have to feel that way? I don't even want to like anyone. God, I'm _so stupid_. _Why can't I do anything right?_ Oh right, because *I messed everything up and threw it all away.* *_All for a cry for help._* How unappealing. I can't even do something I love right. Like writing. I manage to screw that up, too. Can I start over? Nah, nah I can't. 

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