After telling people I'm going through something kind of difficult, I normally get looks of intense sympathy... or looks of "I'm trying to look like this is no big deal when in actuality I'm freaking out that you're dealing with this."
But when I say, "But don't worry I'm in recovery," the mood immediately changes... They breathe a sigh of relief like everything's fixed now.
It's funny because when I say I'm in recovery, I can't commit to feeling completely relieved. That's not how I feel when I acknowledge I'm in the healing stage of an eating disorder.
Most days, I don't want to be in the healing stage of an eating disorder. It's the few good days that even keep me in this stage.
Why can't I let it go?
I let the eating disorder define me. For years.
I normally say three years, but it had snagged me long before that.
By giving this up, or acknowledging that I should give it up... I can't help feeling I'm giving part of myself away.
"Regaining something that was lost or taken away"... I don't feel like I'm gaining most days.
I feel like I'm losing more.