Recent Events: A Day in the Life of A News AnchorMature

Good evening Asem, Anozira, I’m Chuck Wallace, and here’s what’s going on tonight. Our top story for the evening, a local bank heist gone spiritual? Yes folks, you heard right! State troopers today arrived at a P.T. Noble bank, via a 911 call in, to discover that a heist had taken a path to enlightenment. Our reporter in the field, Barry Tyler has more. Barry? Yes Chuck, that’s correct. The suspect, rather what some are now calling a “savior”, allegedly ran into this P.T. Noble bank behind me, screaming that he “had seen the light” and that his “avarice for money had been filled.” Eye-witnesses claim that he then proceeded to “make it rain,” by way of tossing out hundreds of thousands of dollars that he had acquired over a life of crime. “I am flabbergasted,” says bank teller, Floyd Henderson, “here I am serving one of our daily withdraw affiliates when all of a sudden, this guy [gesturing to the “Savior”] starts dishing out some serious dough.” Another bank teller, Debra Diditson, who declined to be filmed stated that “…[she] was enthralled that somebody so bad could make a thing like this go right.” Now Chuck, an interesting side note about this heist, the authorities have informed me that this is the sixth time they’ve been called out this week for a heist, in which case, the five previous calls have all ended with the suspects eluding them. However, the police are to happy to announce that today’s heist ended with all of the monetary damages being fully recovered at the “Savior’s” doing. We’ll keep you posted on this story and other like it in the coming days. Back to you Chuck. Thanks Barry. Oh, and Barry, did that woman, Debra Diditson, explain why she declined to be on camera? Ha-Ha Chuck, that’s a knee slapper! Unfortunately, I’m afraid I cannot answer that, as per our confidentiality agreement. Ah, I see. So in other words, she did it? No Chuck, it’s Diditson. Oh, you mean she hasn’t done it since when? No Chuck, I think you heard me wrong, her last name is Diditson, spelled D-I-D-I-T-S-O-N. Right Barry, my mistake. It isn’t she did it, it’s Debra did it with her son. Chuck, is your mike working ok? Barry, how old would you say this Debra Diditson was? Chuck, are you sure you’re hearing me? I can hear you fine Barry, but you know as well as I do, that our viewers at home are just dying to know how old Ms. Diditson is? I can’t answer that question Chuck. It goes against our confidentiality agre…Just answer the fucking question Barry! Chuck, did you just violate our public exposure disclosure? Yes Barry, you stupid motherfucker, I did it, I did it again! Do you have any idea what it’s been like sitting at this desk for the past seventeen years, night after night, listening to your half-assed reports over shit nobody gives a clench of their anus for? Do you know how long it has been since the last time I got a decent fuck? Junior-fucking-year of high school, Sally Reynolds! The mail lady? Yes Barry, the God-Damn mail lady, who happens to be blowing me as we speak! Say hi Sally! Hi Everyone! But Chuck, what about Patricia? What about that cunt? She’s been two-timing me since before she opened her legs and filled my face full of shit. Fuck her! Are you serious Chuck? What?! You haven’t already? I guarantee you she’s rode more dicks than there are Richards here at the studio! Isn’t that right fellas? Yep! Well that about does it for us tonight, have a fan-fucking-tastic evening and a pleasant tomorrow! Good! Fucking! Night! I’m Chuck Wallace, signing out!

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