I bit my lip, keeping some secret knowledge to myself.
"Alli, could you call your mother in and wait outside, please?" It was a question, but i knew it was really an order. Obediently I stood up, but paused by the door. Without looking up, I spoke.
"How long do I have to live?" The words were lower than a whisper. I had focused all my attention on doing anything I could to save Dana, so I had not considered what it would be like to die myself.
The doctor was silent. I did not need to turn around, I could picture his face; tears fighting behind his lids.
"Two months with regular chemo." I heard the sadness and regret in his voice.
Naturally, I was shocked. I had been anticipating for six months at least, obviously I had been baring the pain for much longer.
In a trance, I walked up to my mum.
"Doctor want's to see you."
Silently, she got up and passed me; she had long since learnt that I would not respond to her. Not blinking, I sat down on the grey chairs, staring mutely at the dull white wall in front of me.
Time slowed but eventually mum walked out of Consultant Room Number Six, tears in her eyes. By this time, I had sort of accepted my fate and come to terms with it, but I had not expressed myself. In tense silence, I followed her to the car.
The one I was supposed to always love, supposed to always go to for help. Yet she had never been any of these things.
Once inside the car, mum gripped the steering wheel so tightly that her bones stuck out white from her skin. I pitied her, at least I had some kind of inkling as to what was going on with me. I reached out to turn the radio on and that set her off.
"Why you?" She sobbed, "My dear, precious baby."
I rolled my eyes.
"Mum, I'm the one with the stupid thing and I'm not crying." I pointed out, crossing my arms and sinking back into my seat.
"But why you?" She slammed her fist on the dashboard and I was very tempted to yank the wheel from her hands, but I had no energy to move.
"You know I'm going to die?" I clarified.
"Yes." She whispered.
"Then you shouldn't cry now."