I started this day like any other day on a Thursday morning, I woke at 6 am and strait away I felt sad that my day of was almost over ! ( for those who do not understand that's sentence I am an optimist, not.)
My work is not soul fulfilling but I allows me to support my sons, myself and pay tuitions fees on my university degree, so I say it could be worse.
I hunger for days that my creative brain can express itself in a colourful way, were my language can truly express my most inner thoughts, I can see how that may be inappropriate to some and scary to others or just plain crazy, but ordinary life where any of us works daily seldom to pay bills and maintain a house over our heads is soul killing.
The joy of being human is to feel .
I see how much of that is currently missing in my life. The ability to feel, to even related to other human beings, I seriously consider the human race not worthy of my time.
I take more joy in reading and writing and sewing than talking to my friends, all 4 of them.
Why do I feel so sad ?
So isolated ?
So scared ?
I barely maintain this human condition that is being me and yet I long to be like all of you , why ?
I do not respect that, I do not understand the choices humans do, I can not accept the reasoning behind actions taken against other humans based on race, gender, sexuality , religion or just plain fact that someone else was just randomly there. And yet here I am writing about the fact I wish to belong.
Maybe I am just human and in itself that is the answer.